


'You know what, I'm done.'

by orphan_account



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, First Love, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Minor Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Seo Youngho | Johnny, Personal Growth, Self-Love, Self-Reflection, Slow Build, markhyuck, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-05
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-10-04 16:56:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 32,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17308343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Every relationship has its ups and downs but Donghyuck always took things as they came, even if it did take eight years for him to finally get one Mark Lee and a few years more to realise the most important lesson he could ever learn





	1. Chenle Potter and The Barbie Girl Fiasco

**Author's Note:**

> I’ll let you in on a secret at the end of the whole thing! I also don’t like to be overly descriptive when I write because I think the most beautiful thing about reading is making the imagery up in your head, so enjoy vague descriptions and most of the time none at all (Mwhahaha). It’s also probably not going to be as fluffy as the synopsis and tags make it out to be it’s more of a dramatisation of a push and pull relationship where life constantly gets in the way.

Donghyuck was hiding in his usual spot in front of the fridge, in the gap between it and the door of the kitchen, waiting for his prey to arrive. Chenle, his younger step-brother (but who cares, brothers are brothers whether they’re blood related or not) and two years his junior was about to get the scare of his life, or of his day, considering Donghyuck hid in the same place every day conducting the same prank of jumping out from behind the corner everyday. Donghyuck had done this for the past four years since his brother had moved in, and every day Chenle was scared shitless dropping whatever he was holding, be it a snack, drink, or the hamster that one time (don’t worry Gerry survived). It should have come to no surprise that in years to come Chenle would question the real difference between cabbage and lettuce or state that he loved Ghandi because he was ‘one of the great magicians of the 20th century’. Chenle’s mum liked to say it was because he was special.

“WHAT YOU DOING CHENLE?” Donghyuck screamed as he jumped from his very inconspicuous and not at all predictable hiding place, a cackle brewing in his chest.

“WHAT YOU DOING HYUCK?” Donghyuck made a noise only comparable to a banshee and clutched his chest to prevent his exploding heart from leaping out. He looked up to find that he had not surprised Chenle with his mastermind prank, but in fact Chenle’s best friend, Jisung, was stood in the doorway of the kitchen howling with laughter at Donghyuck’s panic-stricken face. Donghyuck turned to find Chenle’s head poking out of a cupboard with the rest of his body contorted to fit in the space not taken up by the dining set specifically reserved for ‘special guests’ as Chenle’s mum had said, despite never even having any guests special enough to use it. Chenle’s mum was weirdly protective over it for some reason.

“You little shit, I almost died!”

At this point Both Chenle and Jisung were close to tears from laughing and Donghyuck was ready for revenge. He bolted to the cupboard and barricaded Chenle inside whilst having the evil smirk of the century plastered across his face.

“Scared Potter?” Donghyuck snarled, trying to do his best Malfoy impression, as Chenle tried his best to escape.

At that moment Donghyuck’s dad walked into the kitchen with a sigh leaving his lips, “I thought Harry Potter lived under the stairs?”

“Well this is the Chenle Potter and he lives with the expensive plates we never use.”

“Let him out, I’m not getting shit from his mum if those plates break.” Donghyuck giggled at his dad’s exasperation and let Chenle out, not without noticing Chenle’s disgruntled expression and sneaky side eye directed his way.

“You’re thirteen for god’s sake stop behaving like a caged animal who’s seen grass for the first time just because there’s no adult supervision” another sigh left his dad’s lips “I really hope you’re not going to behave like this when everyone comes over tonight for the anniversary party?”

Donghyuck put his finger on his chin and squinted at his dad in faux thought, “I can neither confirm nor deny any accusations relating to my future behaviour, this press conference is over!” and with that Donghyuck ran to his room to do whatever thirteen year old Donghyuck did, drawing or painting probably, either that or adding to his book of ‘Ways to torment Chenle’.

Donghyuck’s dad let out his third, and surely not the last, sigh of the day to the now empty kitchen, “Where does he get this shit from?” a faint reply of “I learnt it from you!” could be heard from upstairs. Sigh number four ensued.

XXX

 

It was about half an hour into the anniversary garden party when Donghyuck’s dad had yet again sighed and told Donghyuck to take his ‘friends’ and go play in the woods for a bit because apparently running around the garden screeching along to ‘Barbie Girl’ was ruining ‘the atmosphere’.

“This is your own fault for not being able to control the Bluetooth speaker, but also, is it wise to let caged animals see nature like that?” Donghyuck deadpanned towards his father.

“Just leave, please, for the love of God.” Donghyuck laughed heartily forcing his eyes to become nothing more than thin lines until Chenle dragged him away from the garden towards the woods down the street.

In Donghyuck’s defence, he was bored. His friends Jaemin and Renjun hadn’t been able to attend because both their families were currently on holiday together in the south of France doing French things or whatever you do in France and Donghyuck’s older brother, Jaehyun, wasn’t able to make it back from visiting his soon to be in-laws for their anniversary a week ago. Donghyuk’s dad had told him to stay there for as long as Taeyong’s parents had wanted him to because they all knew how much trouble Taeyong’s mother could make and no one wanted anything to go wrong for the upcoming wedding. However, this left Donghyuck mostly unattended and therefore that’s how the whole ‘Barbie Girl’ fiasco and Donghyuck’s fathers headache had begun. So this is how Donghyuck had ended up walking down the street to the woods with Chenle and Jisung along with two boys he’d never seen before.

“Who are those weirdos behind us?” Donghyuck could not be accused of being subtle in his questioning style, especially considering he had literally turned and pointed at said individuals. Jisung chuckled at the elders abruptness and proceeded to inform him of their identities.

“The shorter weird looking one, is my brother Mark and the taller one is his friend Lucas,” Jisung then raised his voice and promptly shouted, “But you shouldn’t call them weirdos Donghyuck, they prefer to be called losers!” and with that Jisung’s eleven years on this earth were about to be put to an abrupt end as Mark chased him into the woods while shouting expletives. Some say Jisung’s screams can still be heard at night to this day, but that’s only legend.

XXX

 

“Why are they staring at us and whispering?” Donghyuck was sat with Chenle and Jisung at this point playing with the blades of overgrown grass beneath him. Chenle sighed while Jisung huffed out a short giggle, “They’re not staring at us, they’re staring at you” Chenle helpfully supplied while tacking on, “and I have no idea what fifteen and sixteen year old boys talk about. I’m eleven, it took you thirty minutes to explain to me that I wouldn’t ‘miss’ buzzfeed unsolved if I didn’t watch it as soon as it was uploaded”.

“That’s not because you’re eleven, that’s because you’re stupid.”

“Hey! I didn’t know it wasn’t like TV!”

At this point Jisung was howling and Donghyuck laughed softly before pushing Chenle down the hill causing him to fall into the stream at the bottom. A chorus of laughter erupted from everyone and Donghyuck turned round to see Lucas bent over double clutching his sides and wiping away tears with Mark beside him laughing softly in the setting sun, the orange hues softly highlighting his features. Donghyuck was knocked back into reality by a soggy Chenle pouncing on him and announcing they were going home. Donghyuck looked back towards his elders to find Mark smiling at him softly momentarily before breaking eye contact and standing to leave. All the while Donghyuck felt something weird in his chest that he hadn’t felt in all his thirteen years.

XXX

 

Donghyuck had been banished to his bedroom for the rest of the night for his ‘little prank’ while Chenle got to stay up for an extra hour past bed time as compensation. Typical. Donghyuck was muttering something about Chenle being the golden child who did no wrong when his phone lit up. Donghyuck quickly grabbed it and stuffed it under the covers, because surely being sent to bed didn’t include phone privileges.

 

Unknown:

Yo, I think we should hang out sometime

:Donghyuck

?Who is this

Unknown:

It’s Lucas 😉

:Donghyuck

?How did you get my number

 

Unknown:

I bullied Jisung into giving it me

Now, Donghyuck was only thirteen and didn’t really know what to do with this information. He wasn’t exactly comfortable with a sixteen-year-old stranger having his number and he was even more disgruntled by the insinuation of that winky face that had barged its way into his inbox. So Donghyuck being Donghyuck did the only thing he knew how to do.

 

:Donghyuck

Why would I want to hang out with you

You’re three years older than me

Pedo

 

There was a brief moment of silence and a holding of breath before Donghyuck heard a simultaneous cackle and growl.

 

Unknown:

You better get down here and say that to my face

:Donghyuck

Nah I’m good

Niiiight

 

“YOU BETTER GET DOWN HERE OR GET READY FOR A BEATING”

Next thing Donghyuck heard was a squeal followed by angry voices and crashing doors. Donghyuck kneeled on his bed and peered out through his window to the street while trying not to get caught. Apparently Donghyuck’s dad must have heard the commotion and put two and two together. Knowing his son’s unique ability to make people want to punch him in the face and a some kid screaming threats in his house, it wasn’t too hard to fathom that this sixteen year old he didn’t even know was threatening his boy. It was just unfortunate for Lucas that Donghyuck’s dad was and is very protective over Donghyuck (and also twice the size of Lucas). Donghyuck could only see Lucas being forcibly removed by the collar from the property by his dad with Mark running up behind. Donghyuck was about to retreat from the window when Mark turned back around and caught him staring. Mark had an unreadable expression on his face at first but it almost instantly turned into an apologetic smile and a small wave. Donghyuck shyly waved back with a small upturn of his lips at the corner and removed himself from sight before getting in even more trouble.

Donghyuck fell asleep that night dreaming of grass beneath his fingers and orange hues permeating his soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment or [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Pandabrows) for any questions!
> 
> Don't be tight, leave a kudos 😂😂😂


	2. Weird feelings, some good, some not so good, one downright traumatic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on a British School system where you finish high school at 16 so please don’t be confused and think Mark aged 2 years without warning!

“I heard Lucas set his pants on fire jumping over the BBQ”

“Oh yeah, Chenle was telling me,” Donghyuck paused and tilted his head in confusion at Renjun, “Wait, how do you know Lucas?”

“Dude, he’s from Hong Kong, I’m from China.”

“Doesn’t really answer my question but okay.”

Jaemin sighed, “If we’re gonna get in another argument about why all the Chinese people in this town weirdly know each other I’m leaving!” having heard Donghyuck’s mafia conspiracies one too many times, he was keen to avoid the attention it would gain from all the other students in the dining hall when the argument would end with Renjun shouting in Chinese and Donghyuck accusing him of putting a hit out on him using Chinese code words.

Donghyuck glared at Jaemin, not quite understanding his outburst but carried on the conversation non-the less, “Well anyway, he threatened to beat the shit out of me for rejecting him over text but my dad kicked him out, so that was pretty funny.”

Jaemin barked out a laugh, “Well, someone wants to batter you, what else is new Hyuck?”

Renjun on the other hand was a bit more sympathetic, “What? I can’t believe someone would threaten you just because you didn’t want to date them, what a piece of shit.” Donghyuck frowned realising that his first encounter with a possible love interest hadn’t exactly gone to plan and it was all his own doing. Instead of being swept of his feet like he always thought would happen with sweet gestures and cute notes, he’d ended up with an abrupt text and an invitation to have his face rearranged. Sensing Donghyuck’s uneasy contemplation Renjun winked at the crestfallen boy, “I’ll put the hit out immediately, no one gets away with threatening our beautiful Hyuckie!” and proceeded to talk into his sleeve in whispered Chinese raising a chorus of laughter from the group.

Donghyuck’s heart felt a little lighter for the rest of lunch until he spotted a familiar figure across the dinner hall. The sunlight streaming through the wall of windows on his right bathing the form of Mark Lee’s sculpted face in the most beautiful golden hues of April. Donghyuck couldn’t tear his eyes away as the boy in his sights sparkled as he laughed with his group of friends. It struck Donghyuck odd as to why he’d never noticed him before but now couldn’t look away as Mark’s nose scrunched up, his eyes tightly screwed shut, slapping the table with his free hand to get his amusement across. It made Donghyuck feel that weird feeling in his chest again, and to be honest Donghyuck kinda liked it. Suddenly a clicking of fingers and a very abrupt “EARTH TO DONGHYUCK” snapped him out of it. Donghyuck looked confused and then realised he’d zoned out and ashamedly looked down at his food to continue eating but stopped to sigh under his breath that ‘Boys are weird man’.

XXX

 

The Monday back to school after the two week spring break was always the worst, the weather was changing and all Donghyuck wanted to do was spend his time outside painting the flowers he could find in the woods instead of being cooped up in Spanish class learning phrases involving stationary that would never actually come in useful if he actually ever visited Spain. But it’s fine because his dad already taught him how to order two beers in Spanish in preparation for adulthood, so Donghyuck knew the important stuff already. So Donghyuck was understandably happy to be home by 3.30PM and belly flopped on to his bed while simultaneously screaming into what he dubbed his ‘frustration pillow’. The incident with Lucas was kind of playing on Donghyuck’s mind, he knew he was annoying and not exactly beautiful but Donghyuck was getting to the age where he knew he was interested in boys and wanted to experience all the soft things that having a boyfriend would bring. The dates, the company, the intimate sharing of secrets and whispered ‘I like you’s were something Donghyuck was starting to miss despite never having them to begin with. His stomach did a thing, he didn’t know what it was, but it wasn’t a nice feeling for Donghyuck. He reluctantly flipped onto his back to prevent his ‘frustration pillow’ becoming the ‘suffocation pillow’ and also to distract himself from the weird sinking feeling in his stomach whilst fishing his phone from his pocket.

Five notifications from the group chat with Renjun and Jaemin, nothing important, just them arguing about the existence of aliens as usual. However, there was a new follow request pending on his twitter, talking to himself he questioned “who the fuck is ‘absolutely-fully-capable’?” and accepted the follow. Now, Donghyuck doesn’t think he actively looks for trouble, but many if not everyone who knew him would disagree and its things like what he was about to do which made them think that.

 

@Hyuckiiee:

Who tf is this, you’re not some old man in a basement are you?

 

Three dots appeared almost immediately, and Donghyuck was excited to see if this was gonna be one of his online arguments he loved to immerse himself in with strangers.

 

@absolutely-fully-capable:

Haha, what if I am?

What you gonna do about it?

 

For once, Donghyuck was stumped, what could he really do about it other than block the creep and forget the interaction had ever occurred. But that was a lame comeback and Donghyuck knew it, luckily the stranger was typing another reply so it saved Donghyuck the shame of not knowing what to say.

 

@absolutely-fully-capable:

I’m just messing, it’s just Mark Lee

Wanted to see if you were okay after Lucas was a ballbag on Saturday

 

Donghyuck’s chest did that weird happy thing again and he felt a heat creep to his cheeks. Mark Lee had messaged him to make sure he was okay, it was unusual considering he had only met him a few days ago and never actually spoke to him in person but Donghyuck was definitely not complaining about the smile it had put on his face.

 

@Hyuckiiee:

Oh, I thought I was gonna have to call the police or something

And I’m alright thanks, Renjun said he was gonna get the mafia to sort him out

 

@absolutely-fully-capable:

Haha, you’re funny man

Wait, some kid at our school knows the mafia?

 

@Hyuckkiie:

Well, Markle, strap yourself in for a 57 slide long PowerPoint presentation as to why I think one Huang Renjun is in fact the son of a mafia boss…

 

The conversation flowed easily between the two boys for the rest of the evening with Donghyuck throwing sassy insults because of Mark’s incessant and idiotic questions, and Mark thinking Donghyuck was the most hilarious thing to ever exist. This continued every night after school for the next month with Donghyuck paying special attention to Mark’s house while passing by on his paper route, ensuring he messaged Mark to let him know of his presence gaining an excited wave from the boy more often than not.

They didn’t interact much at school though with Mark being in his final year and Donghyuck being two years below but knowing he would be going home to talk all night to the boy that made his cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing so much, Donghyuck was happy with that. Somewhere along the way Donghyuck realised what the funny feeling in his chest was every time he saw the elder and started painting pictures of boys laid in overgrown grass with streams of golden sunlight bathing their forms.

XXX

 

“Just stand still, for god’s sake you little gremlin!”

“I resent Gremlin, our kind prefer demon thank you.”

Jaehyun was only attempting to tie Donghyuck’s bowtie for the wedding but Donghyuck was adamant he was actually attempting to strangle him.

“Just be nice, it’s my wedding day man.”

“Well I didn’t ask to be a groomsman!”

“YOU LITERALLY ASKED TO BE ONE!” Jaehyun scoffed in exasperation and disbelief at his little brother’s words.

Donghyuck’s dad scooped Donghyuck into a weird side hug that Donghyuck knew to be his go to extraction technique, “Hyuck, stop being a little shit and behave, today isn’t supposed to be about you.”

Being a groomsman is boring, if Donghyuck had known this he wouldn’t have begged to be one. He just wanted to be part of the day and look pretty in a pretty suit with all the people telling him how pretty he was in his pretty suit. He didn’t realise that actually it was just a lot of waiting around for the ceremony to start without access to a cellular device and therefore any form of entertainment. The only thing keeping him going was Mark’s messages from the night before saying he was excited to see Donghyuck at the reception after the ceremony. He definitely wasn’t contemplating the kiss that Mark had put at the end of their conversation and if talking to each other was as addictive for Mark as it was for Donghyuck. Nope, Donghyuck didn’t spend most of his recent waking hours thinking about what Mark was wearing today, if he laughed at his jokes, or made him smile with his daily paper round messages. Nope, definitely didn’t spend any of his time doing that.

Donghyuck kinda zoned out through the ceremony because let’s face it, thirteen-year-old Donghyuck had no real grasp of romantic love that ran so deep it could bind people for eternity. He also may have found it disturbing and uncomfortable to watch his brother ugly cry at the altar and wanted to move onto the wedding breakfast ASAP. And the wedding breakfast did not disappoint, he spent most of his time riling up Chenle and eating everyone’s strawberries from their champagne. A particular highlight was when his father’s best friend thought it would be a good idea to down the personalised miniature bottle of whiskey that Donghyuck’s grandfather had provided for each guest, only to start choking and turning a shade of red that had never been encountered by the human retina before. If Donghyuck had to describe it, it would be close to a neon red mixed with the luminosity of freshly erupted volcanic lava. Safe to say it was hilarious, and it almost made Donghyuck forget about one Mark Lee and his impending presence. Almost.   

XXX

 

The reception came around pretty quick after that and Donghyuck was indeed enjoying the attention the adults were giving him for looking so ‘handsome and mature’, but without his friends to keep him company in a room full of adults he was getting pretty fed up. He was sitting at one of the tables playing with one of the champagne shaped bubble bottles supplied to keep the young children entertained when he heard a banshee like screech over the loud music. He snapped his head up to find Jisung being tackled into what can only be described as an overzealous bear hug by an over excited red cheeked Chenle. Donghyuck thought it was funny how Chenle had been complaining all day about Jisung not being there only to nearly kill him as soon as he arrived. His mind quickly disregarded the notion though when he came to the realisation that if Jisung was here, Mark was also here due to the whole family being invited as newly found family friends. Donghyuck became nervous and quite frankly slightly panicked when Mark finally spotted him walked to his table with a toothy grin on his face.

“Hey, I found you!”

“Yep, I was here all along!” Donghyuck quickly realised talking to someone for a prolonged period of time online did not equate to being able to talk to someone for a prolonged period of time in person. As Mark sat next to him Donghyuck’s mind went blank and the atmosphere became a little awkward.

Mark must have noticed and attempted to revive the dying conversation “So, how’s school?”

“Oh same as ever really.” ‘Great Donghyuck you idiot, sound less interested in your crush for god’s sake’

“Have you done any new artwork recently? The painting of those sunflowers you sent me was beautiful.”

“Oh, I’ve not really been painting much these days to be honest.” Blatant lie, he just didn’t want Mark to be creeped out by the copious amounts of time he spent painting imagined scenarios of hand holding and embraces with the older boy.

“Oh.” And with that, Donghyuck had managed to effectively assassinate the conversation. Great.

The atmosphere was even more awkward now so Donghyuck turned to face all the couples slow dancing with the lights reflecting off sequins and jewellery alike, noting how beautiful it made everyone look. Donghyuck wanted to ask Mark what he thought of his suit, so he turned around to face him only to be confronted by Mark already staring at him with a soft smile and something in his gaze he had never seen before. It didn’t make Donghyuck uncomfortable per se, but it definitely made him lose his train of thought and made his words die in his throat as he maintained eye contact making his palms sweaty and a blush appear on his cheeks seemingly from nowhere.

Donghyuck had no idea when Mark’s mother had arrived at the table, but he became very aware of her presence when she loudly announced that she ‘felt like a gooseberry’ and promptly left the table laughing leaving a confused Donghyuck and a laughing but seemingly embarrassed Mark behind.

Donghyuck cocked his head to the side and asked Mark what the hell that meant, but Mark brushed it off with a wave of a hand and a giggle foregoing a response in favour of grabbing one of the disposable cameras from the table. This camera however was special, it was Donghyuck’s personal disposable camera for today encased in a multicoloured striped pattern that he had picked himself. Donghyuck felt a little tingle in his chest knowing Mark was touching his things.

“You look beautiful, we should take a photo!”

Donghyuck eyes widened and lips tightened at the compliment. However, trying not to be branded a complete weirdo he let go of the breath he was holding in favour of saying “Yeah sure”.

Donghyuck awkwardly shuffled closer to Mark while Mark held the camera with one hand put his free arm around Donghyuck’s shoulder making a peace sign. Donghyuck stiffened under his touch and tried to plaster the most authentic smile he could muster when the flash went off. It left him seeing stars because it was so bright but saying that he’d probably been seeing stars since the moment Mark walked through the door that night.  

XXX

 

It was the day after the wedding and apparently every adult member of Donghyuck’s family was half dead and seemingly unable to string coherent sentences together, or that’s what it seemed like to Donghyuck. Sensing a weird shift in atmosphere, Donghyuck looked around the room until he spotted his dad propped up on the kitchen table.

“So you spent a lot of time with Mark last night?” Donghyuck didn’t miss the suggestive eyebrow wiggle and soft laugh that left his dad’s lips after voicing his question. Donghyuck’s ears started to burn along with his cheeks forcing his lips to twist uncomfortably. After what seemed like an eternity of Donghyuck’s life crashing down he responded lacking the usual sass he’d become so accustomed to delivering to his father.

“Yeah, we’re friends.”

“That’s not how Mark’s mum put it.” His dad snorted and Donghyuck was too embarrassed to even reply deciding to grab his trainers and pick up his paper route bag. Donghyuck’s dad furrowed his brows in confusion,

“Where are you going?”

“To the ball, obviously, can’t you see my beautiful gown and tiara?” Donghyuck paused to gauge his dad’s reaction, “I’m going to start my paper route obviously.” he said whilst aggressively thrusting his paper route bag in his dad’s direction. And with that the embarrassing interrogation regarding Mark was dropped and Donghyuck left the house.

He was rounding the corner to Mark’s street and decided to get his phone out for the mandatory ‘notice me and give me the attention I crave’ message when it happened. Donghyuck stilled, seemingly all the blood from his body rushed to his head. His hearing was muffled, his eyes felt pressured, and heat like he had never felt before rose from the base of his neck to his face and ears. He felt a cold dark sensation spread from underneath his collar bones down his sternum to rest underneath his lungs. He couldn’t breathe or blink at the sight in front of him. Mark Lee was at least twenty metres away, but he could see clear as day, one of his hands intertwined with that of a girl whilst his free arm was snaked around her waist seemingly whispering sweet nothings into her ear as she shyly giggled. He gave her a sweet kiss on the lips bidding her farewell and turned to away from both her and Donghyuck with a grin on his face, a kind that Donghyuck had never managed to illicit from the boy in their fleeting interactions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment or [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Pandabrows) for any questions!


	3. Retrospective Sad Feels

Donghyuck couldn’t tell you why Mark had affected him so much, maybe it was because at one point he secretly thought they were fated to be together in his childish dreams.

It had been a week since Donghyuck had had his heart crushed and his life turned upside down by Mark Lee. He’d quit his paper route to avoid having to go by Mark’s house every day and barricaded himself in his room every night after school to wallow in self-pity and heart ache. Donghyuck was miserable, but no one knew why. Despite being a sassy demon, he was perpetually happy and didn’t know how to deal with the negative emotions he was feeling. He hadn’t told anyone what he had seen, and he hadn’t even told his two best friends about his crush in the first place. Donghyuck felt isolated with nowhere to turn for support, he was ashamed and embarrassed of himself for thinking that someone as funny, caring, and beautiful as Mark Lee could ever be interested in anyone like himself. He wasn’t anything special, he believed he had no talents and nothing to offer to anyone. Everyone just saw him as the annoying care-free kid who probably wouldn’t get very far in life. And so Donghyuck tried to deal with everything by himself whilst everyone else around him was too distracted by their own lives to even notice anything out of the ordinary.

So here was Donghyuck’s choice. Wallow forever in shameful pity, or pick up the pieces and find a replacement vessel to channel his love and adoration into. It began with his fingers hovering over Mark’s twitter profile. The elder hadn’t contacted him all week, probably busy with his new girlfriend considering how he was glued to his phone every time Donghyuck saw him at school. Donghyuck was just planning to avoid Mark at school for the next three weeks before Mark left to go to college, but it turned out Donghyuck never even had to avoid him because Mark was too distracted to even notice his presence. A thought popped into his head that Mark probably never wanted to talk to him in the first place, Donghyuck was always the one to instigate after school conversations. Perhaps he should have taken it as a sign? A heatwave of embarrassment and bitterness crept over Donghyuck, he clicked the menu button hovering over the block option. ‘It’ll be easier this way’. And with that Mark Lee, Mr. Absolutely-fully-capable was blocked as much as possible from both his online and physical life as thirteen-year-old Donghyuck’s could manage. He’d not only been indirectly rejected by his first major crush but also lost a friend and three weeks later Mark had left school, but not Donghyuck’s confused and twisted thoughts when he couldn’t sleep at 1am.

 

XXX

For the next two years Donghyuck threw himself into his artwork, he could never be accused of being lazy when it came to art, but this was a new level of dedication for Donghyuck to pursue. He eventually withdrew from his friends and social life opting to put on a more mature façade spending all his spare time in the art room creating, distracting and pouring himself into his creations. It wasn’t a purposeful withdrawal, it was just something that naturally happened to fulfil his dedication especially when you consider he spent time during lunch, after school, before school, and even during school holidays (despite having to sneak in through the window) in said art room. His art teacher, was a widow, had clearly done the same and Donghyuck found solace in that. He began to understand how art could heal you, feel you, and love you. Despite his teacher being somewhat eccentric and a blatant rule breaker, he enjoyed her excitable yet encouraging presence along with her never-ending stories and knowledge of art and the world beyond that of their small town. She had visited many places and experienced so many things that Donghyuck’s fifteen-year-old self hadn’t even thought to comprehend. She was an inspiration. That’s what Donghyuck wanted to be, a passionate inspiration to others while not caring what anyone else thought. She was a beacon of independence that Donghyuck never thought he could reach the heights of. He always had doubts and even though he tried to create the best art he could and be the person he wanted to be, nothing felt complete to him. Something unknown was always wrong that couldn’t be fixed because the source of the problem could never be found. The unspoken pressure he felt that began with his art has creeped into every aspect of his life, he tried his best but in all unspoken honesty, he never felt it was enough.

However, nearing the end of his final year of high school Donghyuck found Mark being rudely pushed back into his life. It all started when a boy in his maths class came in with a black eye and a busted lip. Now Donghyuck had previously heard rumours about this boy called Sam having a crush on him, but Donghyuck was too busy with his art work and introspection to follow up such a rumour. However, it did make Donghyuck feel sorry for the boy and slightly curious as to what had happened. Every time someone had asked Sam what had happened he just grunted with frustration saying that he didn’t want to talk about it. A few times Donghyuck could have sworn Sam made eye contact with him furrowing his brows before swiftly turning to face the front of the class again, but maybe he was just imagining things because who the hell even noticed Donghyuck the art freak?

Donghyuck was sat in the back of the art classroom in the space he had personally commandeered as his. Yes, he might be more mature, but the sass demon was ever present especially when people invaded his space and he told them they needed to be on the guestlist and have two forms of ID to enter. He was alone in the room bar two girls attempting to create casts of their hands using plaster of Paris (which according to Donghyuck was cliché and an overused concept at his school) when he heard them talking about something that piqued his interest.

“Anyway, you know that Sam guy that turned up the other day with a black eye?”

“Yeah the one in my science class?”

“Yep, well apparently he ended up in a fight with a guy that goes to college over some guy that Sam likes.”

“What?! No! Quiet Sam getting in a fight over a boy? I don’t believe you, you’re making it up.”

“I swear it’s true! My cousin goes to college with that Mark guy and saw everything, apparently Sam’s given him concussion so he’s off sick for a week.”

“Well, it’s always the quiet ones you need to watch out for I guess.”

Mark? Donghyuck’s Mark? Donghyuck did hear that rumour about Sam liking him on multiple occasions but surely not? Donghyuck froze, that cold dark feeling that ran from his collar bones to under his lungs was back. His face burned hot and his hearing became muffled thinking that it could be his Mark that had caused all this. What was Mark playing at? What was he thinking? Donghyuck came to his senses when he realised the girls were staring at him. He shook himself out of his thoughts in favour of creating a new scenario that it was just a coincidence that this other guy’s name was Mark and it was in fact just some random stranger not even remotely related to that of Donghyuck’s intrusive ex-crush or whatever he was. Nope, it’s not him and even if it were Donghyuck was still bitter and wanted to punish Mark for being selfish and ignorant along with himself for being stupid so he didn’t even try to find the real conclusion to the rumours and instead tried to hold his head up high and ignore them. If anything was going to change it would have to come from Mark. But of course, nothing changed, and the rumours were dead within a week along with the tiny glimmer of hope that Donghyuck would never ever had admitted having possibly creeped into his subconsciousness.

Donghyuck ended up getting the highest grade for his art GCSE coursework the school had ever seen. But the feelings of inadequacy were still there, and a thought brewed in his mind that he only got that grade because he was his teachers favourite after always listening to her stories and keeping her company.

He still carried on taking art in college, but found it was too restrictive for his liking causing him to be more frustrated than creative. In high school he had been given free rein to try any ideas he wanted and be experimental and wild in his creations, but here it was different. Even though Donghyuck found a new passion for photography spending copious amounts of time in the dark room developing a seemingly infinite number photographs, nothing seemed to be up to the establishments standards. The teachers wanted a focus that Donghyuck couldn’t give and with that his love for all things creative was slowly being snuffed out. 

He was okay, the sass demon beginning to overthrow the art freak inside him once more, but the lingering feeling of something missing always surrounded him and glimpses of the only person who had ever called him beautiful seemed to plague his dreams from time to time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, comments and Kudos are welcome because just like Donghyuck I need reassurance man haha!  
> [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Pandabrows) is always an option too :)


	4. Fuck it up Hyuck, fuck it up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boi, I had so much fun writing this chapter. This one is heavily based on my own experiences and it just brought back so many fun memories *wipes tear away from eye* I hope you enjoy it, it was supposed to be longer but I cut it in two so you don't get too bored of my awful writing.

Donghyuck wakes up to a sound which Donghyuck would akin to a screaming antelope (he doesn’t actually know what one sounds like, he’s just being dramatic as usual) which can mean only one thing... Chenle is near. Donghyuck came home for the Christmas holidays after moving to a close by city over a year ago to start his psychology degree. He’d chosen it because that's what all slightly weird people who have no idea what to do with their lives but feel pressured to gain a degree choose. And in his defence, it was so much more than just a degree for him. Donghyuck had found his place in life after being lost for a little while. He forced his friendship on people during freshers week of his first year and for some reason it had worked.  
__  
"I'm going to stand with you because I don’t know anyone else. We're friends now."  
  
And that's how Donghyuck had managed to get a 10-person strong friendship group that were hilarious, and for lack of a better word, rowdy. They'd always go back to one of their houses in between lectures and watch Jerry Springer acting like they were part of the audience 'JERRY, JERRY, JERRY!’ or scream at the contestants on Catchphrase for being idiots. Somehow the rowdy nature transitioned into the many lecture theatres on campus, somehow they never got kicked out. Even that time when they rang that wrong number that was harassing Doyoung with messages asking when he was going to get home and if he’d had a good time with Becky. When Donghyuck had found out about the mystery messenger he reacted in pure Donghyuck fashion grabbing Doyoung’s collar shaking him whilst shouting ‘who the fuck is Becky’ and fake sobbing saying Doyoung was just another cheater and didn’t love his family anymore. Safe to say that phone call was hilarious considering none of them could actually reply in the silent lecture hall and the mystery messenger was getting irate at the lack of response ending the call with ‘I wish I’d never fucking had a son you ungrateful bastard’ which caused a round of laughs covered up by fake coughing. And that was just the tip of the iceberg. Nights out always included dares like snorting vodka, drinking baileys from a shoe, or having to be wrapped in toilet paper like a mummy for the rest of the night. Donghyuck had found a home away from home and he loved it. It was exciting and full of laughter and fleeting romances, so much so that Donghyuck hadn’t even thought about one Mr. Mark Lee since he got here.  

It was inevitable then that Donghyuck would be bored being at home. He decided to get up from his swaddle of duvets and blankets and go investigate the mystery shriek, silently praying that if it were due to Chenle being murdered by a home invader that the murderer was still there, and he’d finish him off too so he didn’t have to endure 3 more weeks of boredom. But alas, God didn’t listen to demons and it was just Jisung wrestling Chenle on the ground in the living room for the last pop tart.

“What the hell are you doing, it’s too early for this!”

“I want pop tarts! And it’s 12pm for fuck’s sake”  

And with that Donghyuck decided to end the argument the only way he knew how. By winning it. He jumped on both Jisung and Chenle grabbing said pop tarts amidst the confusion and ran to the kitchen barricading the door with a chair and proceeded to instigate ‘operation pop tart breakfast’. In his sleep-deprived state (well not reply deprived considering the time) he hadn’t noticed his dad fiddling with things in his ‘man cupboard’ and nearly died when his dad asked Donghyuck what he had done this time considering the ruckus coming from the other side of the door.

“Shitting hell dad, you nearly gave me a heart attack”, turning to face his dad he spied the familiar striped casing of a disposable camera in said ‘man-cupboard’, but he had no time to think about it because his dad was already drawing back his attention.

“Good, I’d have one less mouth to feed then.” Donghyuck’s dad laughed evily, but Donghyuck knew he was secretly pleased to have him home, even if he did complain about the bills going up due to his presence.

“I hate you, but alas, I was just exercising my self-preservation skills… survival of the fittest and all that. No need to worry.”

“This is why you have no friends and people don’t like you.”

“I’d say it was more of a reflection on your parenting skills to be honest dad.” And that’s how Donghyuck ended up in a headlock dropping one of his precious pop tarts to the ground. After Donghyuck had finished screeching and stopped trying to bite his dad, his dad let go and Donghyuck was left to eat his last surviving pop tart in peace softly giggling and thinking that maybe it wasn’t so bad to be home. He let both Chenle and Jisung into the kitchen offering them the other pop tart unbeknownst to them that it had previously engaged in a very intimate relationship with the floor. Jisung immediately accepted, however Chenle had somehow grown some braincells in the last 24 hours and declined the offer silently suspecting Donghyuck of foul play. This was a dramatic plot twist in Chenle’s unintelligent life considering only yesterday he was mistaking Lionel Ritchie for John Lennon of all people. _“I’m not stupid Hyuck, I know John Lennon… He’s Nicole Ritchie’s dad.” “No, that would be Lionel Ritchie, clues in the name dumbass.”._ Donghyuck decided to shrug it off and shuffle off back to his room to probably take a much-needed nap as a reward for demonstrating his dominance and ensuring his survival. Darwin would be proud.

XXX

 

Donghyuck was rudely awakened thinking he was having his second heart attack of the day by someone literally shouting in his ear.

“YO DEMON, IT’S YA BOYS”

What the actual fuck. Donghyuck had been awoken in many creative and soul-destroying ways before by Renjun but this took the piss. Donghyuck bolted up right headbutting Renjun in the process all while looking like a startled owl with bed head.

“Aww cute” cooed Jaemin, who was keeping a safe distance from Donghyuck in case he actually did go full demon and kill someone. Donghyuck realised what was happening and headbutted Renjun again for good measure.

“Stop watching Buzzfeed Unsolved for fuck’s sake, you’re obsessed. How the fuck did you get in my room and what do you want you pair of ballbags?”

“We’re more like balls in the same bag actually,” Renjun corrected, “but Chenle let us in because he’s an angel.”

Jaemin furrowed his brows, “He seemed pretty angry though and kept chanting something about pop tarts under his breath so I dunno man, he might be trying to summon some giant pop tart man like they did in Ghostbusters”.

“He’s a marshmallow man in Ghostbusters you imbecile.” Jaemin shrugs it off, sweet treats are sweet treats. 

“Anyway, did you feel the need to wake me up just to tell me you two were part of the same nutsack and flaunt Jaemin’s stupidity, because if you did, it could have been done over text and I wouldn’t have had to see either of your faces.”

“Harsh, your dad’s right this is why people don’t like you,” Donghyuck cut Renjun off, “Wait, how do you know he said that?” “I have my ways, now shut up and listen.” Donghyuck opened his mouth in protest but decided against it lacking the brain power to even come up with a retort.

“Camel? Tonight?” Camel was one of the two clubs that existed in Donghyuck’s small hometown. Yeah, the place had a ridiculous amount of bars but actual nightclubs were few and far between. Camel was an interesting place, it was underground and reminded Donghyuck of a cave that a unicorn had thrown up in. It had purple walls with pink and purple fur stapled across it in various places with a weird tiered bed/seating area towards the back which sometimes converted into a ball pool on a Monday for no actual reason. The club was small, but it had three elevated levels as stages, two giant disco balls and the whole venue smelled faintly of vomit. Safe to say, Donghyuck loved it. It was the only place in town where it didn’t matter what you wore or how crazy you danced, you could just be yourself, they even decorated the Christmas tree there with tampons every year because it was the ‘festive period’ for Christ’s sake.  And to top it off it was Saturday, and Saturday was 90’s night playing song’s like the Macarena, Donghyuck’s beloved Barbie Girl, and the heavily requested Biggie Smalls.  

“Yeah, sure. What time is it?”

“5pm, why?”

“Shit, I need to start getting ready!”

“It’s 5pm Hyuck.”

“I said, I. Need. To. Start. Getting. Ready. OUT!” and with that Renjun and Jaemin were forced out the room with Donghyuck slamming the door in their faces.

Renjun sighed, “Why is he always like this?” Jaemin shrugged and a faint “I learnt it from you!” came from the other side of the door. Standard retort.

XXX

 

It was 11.20pm and Donghyuck had just finished re-enacting the last fight scene from the original Karate Kid with Jaemin the 80’s bar they were in (it’s not his fault it was playing on the TV screens plastered around the venue) when he announced,

“DANIEL SAN IS BORED” and proceeded to leave without turning to see if his friends were following. Luckily, they were both aware of Donghyuck’s drunken antics and followed him out to into the cold night air.

“Where to now then Daniel?” Renjun said in the best fake dramatic movie voice he could muster. Donghyuck and Jaemin turned to each other in synchronisation with knowing smiles on their faces,

“CAMEL!” they both screeched while simultaneously punching a fist into the air looking like they were about to charge into battle or some shit. Renjun just cackled and joined in.

It wasn’t a long walk to the club from the bar they were just at, but it was a Saturday night in a small town and Renjun apparently knew the whole Chinese community so instead of taking five minutes it took twenty and Donghyuck was freezing his tits off. He’d forgone a jacket saying it didn’t go with his look which consisted of a black sleeveless muscle tee with armholes to the bottom of his ribs, black ripped jeans, and black patent docs paired with glittery peach eyeshadow rimming his eyes to match his faded orange hair. So, when he finally got to Camel it wasn’t hard to convince the bouncer to let his queue jump considering he was shaking like a leaf, much to the disdain of the other patrons. However, Donghyuck didn’t care especially considering he came here three times a week during the holidays and occasionally during term time and had made sort of friends with the staff. Although the first meeting with the bouncer with the pink mohawk in front of him was slightly odd and left Donghyuck quite speechless. It had been a couple of weeks after his 18th birthday and Donghyuck was in the queue laughing with his friends trying to pretend to be more sober than they were when he got to the front and Greg had said “ _You’re gonna have to leave the queue_ ,” Donghyuck was confused and a little hurt in his drunken state, but Greg then carried on to say, “ _cute emo boys give me a chubby so you best get inside instead_.”. Donghyuck couldn’t decide if it was smooth or gross, all he knows is he gets to queue jump and get in for free if Will is on the door. Life at Camel was good.

He’d gone in and made his way to the bar where his favourite bartender was, he didn’t even have to order when six Jäger bombs were placed in front of him.

“Oh Billy, you know me too well!” Billy only charged him for three but Donghyuck was too wasted to notice, the darkness and blasting music messing with his senses.

He was on one of the stages when he heard the DJ call his name from the booth,

“Hyuck is back everyone so we all know what song’s coming on next!” Donghyuck didn’t care that everyone in the club was staring at him, and blew the DJ the biggest most dramatic kiss as a thank you. Biggie Smalls ‘Hypnotise’ started playing and Donghyuck was happy. He was always happy here. Just dancing and being himself with his friends. Heaven.

Donghyuck had no idea what time it was or where his friends were, but he was sat on the wall outside cooling down from the heat and humidity of the club, his hair was curling from it and his make-up was probably questionable at this point. The guy he was just talking to about piercings of all things had just left leaving Donghyuck completely alone in the crowd of people, he was checking his phone when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He jerked his head too quickly and his head felt funny, but it was definitely Mark Lee stood in front of him basically in between his legs. Initially Donghyuck was speechless, he didn’t know what to do and just sat there with his mouth slightly agape looking dumb holding his phone in his hand, but eventually a wave of excitement washed over him, and he lurched forward to embrace Mark with his free arm pulling him to his chest.

“Mark Lee!” he squealed, “How the hell have you been?” Donghyuck was definitely drunk and excited but that was all, he could see Mark had grown into a handsome young man, still all giggles and smiles but no flicker of romance or bitterness flitted across Donghyuck’s heart. He was over his crush and was excited to see an old friend.

“I’m good Hyuck, how are you? It’s been ages, can’t believe you’re old enough to be out now!” if ‘haha’s were said in real life that’s the kind of giggle Mark let escape from his mouth after his statement.

“Well I’m 19 now old man, but I’m good. Just back home for the Christmas holidays. What are you doing here anyway?”

“Oh I graduated back in June so I’m just back working for my dad while I try figure out what to do with my life.”

“Standard post degree activities then.” Donghyuck giggled and hiccupped. Mark’s face lit up as he stared into Donghyuck’s eyes and Donghyuck noticed that at some point Mark had caged him in resting his palms either side of Donghyuck’s thighs on the wall. There was a beat of breathy silence before it was broken by some giant man trying to get Mark’s attention.

“MARK!” the tall guy stumbled and wrapped his arm around Mark’s shoulder, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere man, Jeno’s too drunk and needs to go home before he voms again.”

“Ah shit, I better sort him out, thanks for telling me.” Mark snapped his head back to Donghyuck with an apologetic smile placing his hand on Donghyuck’s thigh to get his attention, “Sorry Hyuck I gotta go, it was great seeing you… you look great by the way.”

Donghyuck laughed at the compliment because he was pretty sure he looked like a sweat drenched rock kid from the 00’s, “Go find your friend, sounds like he’s in a right state.” Mark lingered for a moment looking like he had something he wanted to say but couldn’t find the words. Donghyuck pushed his shoulder with a smile telling him to go, and he did.

Now Donghyuck was left looking up at the tall messenger who was looking down at him with an unreadable expression. So Donghyuck broke the silence in Donghyuck’s own unique style.

“Did you kill Tony the Tiger and wear him to Camel?” Donghyuck asked in all seriousness gesturing to the guys shirt.

“What are you on about, don’t you know what this is?”

“Yeah, it’s poor Tony’s hide, you’re a cruel man.” The guy laughed closing his eyes and bracing himself against Donghyuck’s shoulder.

“Dude, it’s a print of Freddie Mercury’s famous yellow jacket!” Donghyuck snorted,

“Well wouldn’t it have to be yellow not orange for that to be true?”

“It is yellow!”

“No, it’s not. Tony, do you need to see the optician?”

“My eyes are fine it’s you who needs help, and my name’s Johnny not Tony.” Donghyuck had no idea how important that name would become to him in the future but for the time being he was having fun flirting and having banter with this guy, so he just continued being himself.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say TONY.” And with that Donghyuck jumped down from the wall dragging Johnny/Tony by the wrist to go dance the rest of the night away with his new cereal mascot killing friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always comments, Kudos and [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Pandabrows) welcome! Even if you don't like it, it would be nice to know how to make this better :(


	5. Tiger Vs Lion

It had been six months since Donghyuck had met Johnny and he was beyond infatuated with the older male. Donghyuck had never felt quite like this before, there were constant butterflies and unremovable grins plastered across Donghyuck’s face. Johnny was charismatic and funny with a special smile reserved just for Donghyuck, but he was also caring and passionate when the time called for it. He treated Donghyuck like he was the most precious creature the world had ever encountered. Johnny would stand in Donghyuck’s garden at 5am throwing rocks at his window just to get a goodnight kiss after nights out and time stood still for Donghyuck when Johnny held him close enough to hear his beating heart. Donghyuck was smitten and loved every second of his time with Johnny.

During the second week of knowing Johnny, Donghyuck had convinced himself he would marry the boy and live happily ever after, he’d really never felt this way before and was giddy about what the future for them was going to bring. It was hard at first for Donghyuck to live in a different city from Johnny but they’d both agreed to keep the pressure off and not label anything despite Johnny always promising bigger things for after Donghyuck graduated. He would always tell Donghyuck that he was the most important thing in his life and a bit of distance could never come between them. And during the Easter break Johnny proved it to Donghyuck by never leaving his side and showering him with affection, be it surprise dates or just being there to holding Donghyuck while he slept.

When it came to the summer break between the second and third year of Donghyuck’s university career Donghyuck wanted to give Johnny a surprise of his own. He was going to be coming home a week earlier than he had told Johnny and kiss him like he’d never kissed him before. Donghyuck had missed the taste of his lips and the security of his arms having not seen him in over a month. Donghyuck was beyond excited.

 

Donghyuck:

Heeeey <3 <3 <3

 

Johnny:

What’s up beautiful

I miss you

 

Donghyuck:

Nothing much just bored, what are your weekend plans?

 

Johnny:

It’s Saturday, I’ll be Cameling of course 😉

 

Donghyuck:

Urgh, I’m jealous, I’m stuck in the library trying to finish this essay on the bystander effect

Kill. Me.

 

Johnny:

Aww babe ☹

I’m sure you’ll get it finished soon enough

And anyway, next week you can join me in Camel haha

 

Donghyuck:

Yeah ☹ I just miss you now though

Well I better get back to work

Love you

 

Johnny:

Alright I’ll speak to you later

I love you more <3

 

 _‘I can’t wait to marry that boy’_ Donghyuck thought to himself. Little did Johnny know Donghyuck was already home and choosing an outfit that would blow his ‘not-boyfriend’ away when he surprised him on his night out.

XXX

 

“HYUCK, GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM, YOU’VE BEEN IN THERE FOREVER”

“Art takes time Chenle, so can you like fuck off? I’ll be like five minutes.”

“Fine, but if it’s any longer I’m breaking the door down.”

And with that Chenle shuffled off muttering under his breath with ‘fucking pop tarts, now the bathroom… demon… kill him…’ being the only comprehendible words to leave his lips. Donghyuck admired his form in the mirror, he was pleased with his outfit consisting of heavily ripped black jeans styled with a tucked in black Hawaiian and his trusty black patent docs. He’d gone a little bolder than usual with his make-up having both dark brown eyeliner and gold glitter eyeshadow, but he was there to make a statement so he thought it was fine for a special occasion, plus it worked well with his freshly dyed sandy brown hair.

Donghyuck looked hot and he knew it. He’d matured into an ethereal being with glowing bronzed skin and proportions to die for. He’d always get plenty of attention on nights out but ultimately went home alone telling everyone he had a boyfriend. Johnny technically wasn’t his boyfriend but close enough right? Donghyuck couldn’t imagine being with anyone other than Johnny and Donghyuck knew Johnny felt the same. Donghyuck stepped out of the bathroom and nothing could keep the smile off his face knowing he’d soon be reunited with his love, not even Chenle comparing his outfit to that of a castaway who’d washed up on a Hawaiian beach. Well fuck you Chenle and your evidently increasing brain capacity.

Donghyuck arrived at Camel knowing that Johnny was already there from the snap he’d put on his story. Donghyuck just couldn’t contain his excited energy in the queue, Greg was working but was busy trying to stop some drunken teen from entering the premises considering he’d just thrown up in the queue, so Donghyuck just give him a nod of acknowledgement and went to go get his hand stamped. It was pretty loud as usual and Donghyuck’s mind wasn’t particularly paying attention because all he could process at the time was ‘ _Johnny, Johnny, Johnny’_ so he nearly died when someone grabbed him from behind screaming his name.

“Hyuckieee!”

‘ _What the fuck?! This is it, this is where I die. Dear Hades, please be merciful.’_  But nothing happened, he was released from his attackers grip when he had been manoeuvred to the smoking area. Donghyuck turned around in his fearful and confused state to see one very wasted Mark Lee standing in front of him complete with goofy grin and some sort of purple alcoholic concoction in his hand. Donghyuck slapped his hand across Mark’s chest causing the intoxicated boy to sway in his place.

“What the actual fuck Mark, I thought I was being abducted or some shit!”

Mark looked pained with a slight pout beginning to appear on his lips, “I just missed you man, I haven’t seen you in ages and I didn’t think you’d be home so soon from uni. I was just excited, sorry”. Mark hung his head low and Donghyuck’s irritated façade melted at the sight.

“You’re and idiot,” Donghyuck giggled out, “but yeah, you’re right, I wasn’t supposed to be coming home until next week, but it turned out all this week’s lectures are online, so I don’t have to be there.”

“Aw dude, that’s great!” Mark was very dramatic in his line delivery making it seem like Donghyuck had just told him he was accepted to Cambridge for his masters or something. Donghyuck presumed it had something to do with the purple thing Mark had just downed in one.

“Yeah, well let’s hope Johnny is excited as you” Mark contorted his face into something that Donghyuck could only assume was overexaggerated drunken confusion.

“Why Johnny?” Donghyuck beamed at being able to finally disclose his plan,

“Well we’ve been seeing each other for like the past six months so I kinda came here to surprise him and be a good ‘not-quite-boyfriend’.”. Mark’s face dropped, he looked into Donghyuck’s eyes with an intense seriousness, whilst finding a grip on Donghyuck’s forearm.

“You’re joking right?”. Now it was Donghyuck’s turn to do a 180, Donghyuck’s brows furrowed in annoyance. How dare Mark seem annoyed at him for dating, who was Mark to tell him what to do?

“Of course not, why are you being like this? People can find me attractive and date me you know Mark.” Donghyuck was one level away from angry at this point. Mark’s eyes widened in shock for a second then his whole face softened but still contained all the seriousness his drunken state could allow.

“That’s not what I mean at all Hyuck,” Mark’s grasp on Donghyuck’s arm tightened to get his seriousness across, “Just don’t go inside, just turn around and go home. Please.” Mark’s eyes were visibly begging at this point and Mark had gotten uncomfortably close for Donghyuck’s liking considering the abrasive nature of their interaction.

“What, why woul-” Mark cut him off with a loud bark pulling on the other boy’s arm,

“Just promise me you won’t go in there!” Donghyuck was beyond shocked that Mark had raised his voice to him and it must have been obvious in his face because Mark softened his grip and leaned into Donghyuck’s ear to shakily whisper a “Please?”.

But Donghyuck didn’t have to ask why again. When Mark had leaned in he had allowed Donghyuck to see over his shoulder with a clear line of sight to the club’s entrance. The entrance that Johnny was stumbling out of with his arm wrapped around a very attractive girl. Donghyuck’s heart stopped beating, he panicked, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t hear, he flushed with a heat he’d never experienced before. Donghyuck was paralysed and could only stand and watch as Johnny cornered the girl against a wall, whilst giving her the smile only reserved for Donghyuck, before passionately kissing her while having a tight hold on her hips. Donghyuk’s vision went blurry and hot burning tears began streaming down his face. Mark quickly whipped his head round to see what had caught Donghyuck’s attention, when he had it figured out he grabbed Donghyuck in the fiercest bear hug he’d ever given whilst harshly tucking Donghyuck’s head under his chin to obscure his view.

Donghyuck’s tears of shock quickly turned into tears of rage. Rage for all the time he had spent with Johnny, rage for all the lies, rage for all the deception, rage for all the ‘I love you’s and rage for the loss of a future he had let himself happily imagine. He began thrashing against Mark, but Mark held firm and refused to loosen his grasp. Donghyuck started shouting and screaming attracting the attention of everyone outside. Mark finally let go when Donghyuck accidentally headbutted him in the chin. Donghyuck looked up to find Johnny’s emotionless face staring at him with his arm still around that girl. Donghyuck was shaking with rage, his lips tightly screwed shut while his eyes were still dripping with tears. It was too much for Donghyuck and he just ran. He ran and ran without looking back only hearing angry shouts and a scream before what sounded like a scuffle breaking out. Donghyuck didn’t care, he couldn’t think, he just wanted to be away from everyone and everything. His second broken heart was going to be significantly more difficult to mend, and he could feel it.

XXX

 

When Donghyuck woke the next morning, his head was pounding, he was still in last night’s outfit and make-up, and his eyes were swollen to a near complete close. He couldn’t remember how he’d gotten home but was even more confused to find a Chenle attached to him like a koala cuddling him in a fiercely tight embrace. Chenle stirred and looked into Donghyuck’s eyes with what can only be described as immeasurable concern and sorrow. The events of last night came flooding back to him in an instant, his breath stopped and his insides felt like they’d been attacked by a snowstorm, all wriggly and cold. Donghyuck froze in Chenle’s hold and looked down at him with startled expression before masking it into one of annoyance,

“Why are you touching me? Get off me man, Jisung’s gonna be jealous.” Chenle was confused and didn’t move for a moment before realising what Donghyuck was trying to do. Chenle didn’t respond, releasing Donghyuck from his hold and clambering out of his bed.

“Do you need anything before I go?” Donghyuck turned to him wearing a mask of neutrality,

“Nah, I just need a shower man, I’m gross.”

“I see no difference to your usual appearance.” And with that Chenle ran out of the room cackling dodging the pillow and insult Donghyuck had thrown his way.

Donghyuck flopped his back against his bed. His breathing was shallow and panicked and he brought his hands to his mouth to muffle the sobs that accompanied the burning tears that ran down his cheeks from his open eyes that were darting all across his ceiling. His world had come crashing down once again and he wasn’t sure how to fix it, but he knew the first steps. Get up. Get showered. Get dressed.

When Donghyuck had come back from the bathroom looking more or less human again, the smallest of smiles fell on his lips when he found water, painkillers, and two pop tarts sitting on his bedside table. Sure, Chenle wasn’t intelligent in some ways, but in others he was the smartest person Donghyuck knew, and at that point he was grateful to have him in his life… even if he was a banshee in human form. Donghyuck took the painkillers and the water foregoing the pop tarts because firstly he was nauseous because of the hangover and secondly, he just didn’t want to eat. Pop tarts are great but they can’t fix broken hearts.

Donghyuck was determined to be strong and not let his tears fall but all he could think about was Johnny and what the fuck was going on. He wanted answers, and he wanted them now. But Donghyuck wasn’t going to give Johnny the satisfaction of hearing him so broken so he used everyone’s best friend in times like these, social media. Donghyuck new it probably wasn’t the best idea to use social media to find the answers he wanted, but he wasn’t willing to wait. Donghyuck scoured Johnny’s twitter and Instagram looking for clues but eventually came up empty. It was no surprise to Donghyuck considering he had already been following him on both platforms and nothing suspicious had caught his eye over the last six months. Donghyuck felt empty, his life was ruined, and he was no closer to knowing the truth. Donghyuck stewed in thought until it hit him…’Facebook’. Johnny had always told him that he didn’t have a Facebook account anymore and so Donghyuck had no reason to search for him on the site. Donghyuck knew it was a long shot, but everyone has a Facebook account even though no one actually uses it anymore, so he thought he’d give it a go.

And there it was, Mr. Johnny Seo’s profile in all its charismatic glory lighting up Donghyuck’s phone screen. He clicked through profile photos and the tagged photos that weren’t private and found nothing, he was close to giving up when he clicked on Johnny’s friend list. There she was, right at the top, the girl from last night. The girl that stood there with faux concern on her face as Donghyuck broke down in front of everyone in the cold night air. He hesitated before clicking the link but before he knew it her face filled his screen and he was scrolling through her profile looking for answers. He’d managed to find out she was a student in Donghyuck’s hometown, she was Donghyuck’s age and she had an affinity for everything glitter. He’d found photos of her and Johnny laughing and kissing and even one of them kissing with Mark photobombing in the background pulling an overexaggerated face of disgust. That one particularly hurt. She looked so happy, she looked like she was a big part of Johnny’s life, the big part that Donghyuck had thought he was. It turned out that Johnny and this girl had been in a relationship for over two years. Donghyuck did find it odd how Johnny could spend so much of his time attached to Donghyuck during university breaks but could never really find the time to make the twenty-minute train ride to see him during term time. When the realisation hit him that Johnny’s girlfriend probably went back to her hometown for her breaks at the same time as Donghyuck came home for his, his heart shattered all over again. Donghyuck was just a substitute body. With that realisation, Donghyuck shut his phone off, curled up into a foetal position and started violently sobbing not bothering to even try and muffle the sounds that escaped his mouth. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we going Markhyuck bitches. 
> 
> Anyways, the usual. Comment, Kudos, [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Pandabrows) . I really appreaciate comments etc because otherwise it feels like I'm writing for nobody haha! 
> 
> Have a good day!


	6. You Are My Destiny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to my AO3 registered reader Kataxxx

Donghyuck doesn’t bother coming back home from university until after he graduates. He was still reeling from the Johnny incident and didn’t want any possibility of running into him in his miniscule hometown. He spent most of his third year missing lectures and sleeping in because of the two-day hangovers he would get from nights out, but he still managed to pass all the essays and assignments thrown his way. Basically, he acted like every other third year student and managed to get a 2:1 for his efforts. Donghyuck had moved back in with his family in June and had been working full time as a shop assistant to earn enough money to go travelling with Renjun. He was looking forward to it he guessed, he didn’t actively participate in the planning though and just agreed with whatever Renjun had wanted to do simply because he literally didn’t care where he went as long as it was away from home and away from all the misery he was feeling. Donghyuck was hoping it would give his life some sort of perspective and allow him to find direction.

Donghyuck was currently asleep wrapped like a burrito in his many blankets (despite it being June), so basically he was sleeping just how he liked, breathing softly and looking content. Renjun would have said he felt bad for what he was about to do but it would have also been a lie if he had. He’d already woken Donghyuck in several creative and torturous ways in the past, but this one would have definitely killed anyone over the age of 80 or anyone with a heart condition.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” he shouted as he simultaneously let a party popper off too close to Donghyuck’s ear to be considered safe. Donghyuck screamed. Like getting murdered in a dark alley screamed. Renjun shushed him and covered his mouth with his hand to stifle the ear-piercing sound, which only panicked Donghyuck further as he thought he was being kidnapped in his freshly roused state. Donghyuck’s panicked eyes registered it was Renjun who was attacking him and promptly narrowed his eyes in anger and proceeded with his counter attack, aka ‘operation: bite the bitch’.

“Ahh, what the fuck Hyuck, stop trying to eat me!”

“Well stop trying to murder me every chance you get! And how the fuck do you keep getting in my house you bastard?!”

“I can’t tell you that I’m afraid,” Renjun retorted with a shake of his head and a fake look of disappointment crossing his face, he looked Donghyuck straight in the eyes, “and as for the murder thing, it’s tradition bitch.”

“Alright Britney, no need to be so dramatic, and if that’s the case I’m starting my own tradition. I’m gonna bite you every time you try anything.”

“Fair enough, I’ll just start wearing gloves,” Donghyuck cocked his head and stared at him with irritated disdain, “anyway it’s you’re 21st birthday, you’re still in bed and haven’t told us what your celebratory plans are.”

“Erm, to stay in bed?” Renjun was clearly unimpressed so Donghyuck raised his pitch and tried again, “To kick you out then stay in bed?”

“Erm no, you’re not staying in bed you emo fucker,” Renjun sighed before slapping his own thighs stating, “Camel it is then!” in his commander of the underworld voice. Donghyuck froze, his eyes became wide with fear, and he harshly gripped his blankets.

“No.” Renjun turned his head to Donghyuck upon hearing the never before heard seriousness in his voice. Renjun placed a comforting hand on Donghyuck’s thigh before softening his facial expression to one of empathy,

“Look, it’ll be fine. Nothing bad’s gonna happen. Last I heard Johnny was still banned after what happened and Greg had even given Mark free entry for a year for punching the twat.” Renjun giggled and Donghyuck’s face softened. “Unless you’d rather go to Tokyo’s?” Everyone in the room pulled a disgusted face and Donghyuck slowly shook his head. Renjun slapped Donghyuck’s thigh, “Good, that’s settled then, pre-drinks here at 8pm. Get showered you stink.” Donghyuck still didn’t seem convinced but it was too late, Renjun had decided and he knew by now, what Renjun decides goes.

Renjun turned to Jaemin, who was once again standing a safe distance. ‘ _When the fuck did Jaemin get here?’_ , “Did you get it?”

“Yup, I got a real good shot of the scream.” A smile spread across Renjun’s face as he nodded.

“Good, we’ll add it to the account.” And Renjun stood up to leave taking Jaemin with him. Donghyuck just sat there in a confused state and shouted after the boys who were currently vacating his room,

“Wait, what do you mean?” No response, “Renjun what account?” Still no response, “RENJUN WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE?!”. Donghyuck didn’t get an answer and could only hear faint giggling and Renjun shushing Jaemin for what could only be presumed as dramatic effect. Donghyuck flopped back down on to his bed whilst simultaneously groaning and grabbing his blankets to cover his face, ‘ _Why have friends when you can have those ballbags’._ Correction Donghyuck, I think they’re balls of the same bag if I remember correctly…

XXX

 

It was 11pm and Donghyuck was wasted. It was his birthday after all and was drinking extra because of it because it, definitely not to get rid of his anxieties about possibly seeing Johnny in his unbelievably small town. But Renjun was right, he had nothing to be remotely worried about and despite being forced into a night out he didn’t want he was having the best time with his two childhood friends even getting free drinks from strangers and the DJ promising to play Biggie Smalls on the hour every hour much to the disdain of the other patrons. Donghyuck wasn’t sure how it had happened, but he’d ended up in the DJ booth at some point overlooking the crowd, he couldn’t really see because of all the strobe lighting reflecting off the disco balls and all he could hear was the DJ counting down into the mic,

“3…2…1!”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU…”

The whole club was singing happy birthday to Donghyuck. An overwhelming sense of warmth washed all over Donghyuck’s body radiating out from his chest into his limbs. A vibrant smile began to grow on Donghyuck’s lips until they started turning downwards for some reason and he raised his hand to cover his mouth out of embarrassment. He was ugly crying. He was crying tears of joy, tears of love, and tears of regret for wasting so much time avoiding a place he loved for fear of seeing that one person he never wanted to see again. In that moment Donghyuck promised his drunken self that he was never going to be so stupid again and to try become more like himself again.

He was pushing his way through the sea of people enjoying themselves to try and get to the bar when he felt the grip of cold fingers tighten around his wrist. It was dark, and all his senses were hazy from alcohol but once again he’d found him. Mark Lee always managed to find him, it’s like it was his super power. They hadn’t seen each other since the Johnny incident and Donghyuck didn’t know how to react, so he didn’t. Donghyuck just stared up at Marks concerned eyes with his mouth agape and face devoid of expression whilst the other still had a grip on his wrist. Wordlessly, Mark gestured to the outside area with his free hand and Donghyuck nodded lowering his head to follow the older boy who had released his grip from Donghyuck’s wrist in favour of intertwining his fingers with those of Donghyuck’s so they didn’t get separated in the crowd.

They eventually reached the smoking area after shouldering their way through the sweaty bodies. Donghyuck never once lifted his head, he was too ashamed and didn’t want to see that look of pity that was sure to be still all over Mark’s face. They came to a stop in the clearing and Mark turned whilst sighing to face Donghyuck,

“So…” Donghyuck didn’t respond, he just stood there shifting his gaze across the stone floor while nervously wiggling his fingers. He was visibly tense. Mark lifted Donghyuck’s chin with his index finger while crouching to lock his eyes with those of Donghyuck. “Are you okay?” Donghyuck averted his gaze but nodded in response,

“I’m just embarrassed about what happened last time I saw you.”

“What do you mean?” Donghyuck turned red and rushed to get his words out with overexaggerated hand gestures,

“Oh, you know just finding out the person I was in love with didn’t love me, having an actual breakdown in front of like a million people and headbutting you in the process.”

Mark tapped his finger on his chin and looked off into the distance for a few beats before shrugging and turning back to Donghyuck with a grin on his face, “Nope, don’t recall any of that.” Donghyuck was confused to say the least,

“Mark, we were basically standing right here.” He deadpanned,

“Naaaah, the last time I saw you, you were looking as gorgeous as ever shouting at me for trying to kidnap you… I saw none of this breakdown you speak of.” Donghyuck finally caught on to what Mark was trying to do and let out a breathy giggle whilst slapping Mark across the chest eliciting a laugh from the elder. When they had both stopped laughing, the atmosphere became almost awkward again as Donghyuck looked back towards the ground. Mark gently held one of Donghyuck’s hands in his and leaned in so other people around couldn’t hear,

“You know, you really don’t have to worry about him anymore, he’s gone.” Donghyuck lifted his gaze to match Mark’s,  who must have registered his confused expression. “He moved away not long after the incident, guess he couldn’t cope working with me anymore considering I beat the shit out of him” Mark laughed due to the embarrassment of losing control like that in public. Donghyuck’s eyes softened and he squeezed Mark’s hand,

“Thanks” he whispered. Mark smiled,

“It’s okay, I’m sure you’d bite anyone that was a dick to me too.” They both laughed knowing it was probably true, they don’t call Donghyuck a demon for nothing. Donghyuck’s emotion then turned to one of concern,

“Were you hurt?”

“Me, nah. Apart from the headbutt,” Mark released Donghyuck’s hand to rub his chin, “I bit my tongue man.” Donghyuck laughed and slapped Mark’s shoulder whilst muttering ‘prick’ under his breath. Secretly, Donghyuck was glad he had a friend like Mark who would defend his honour, it was sweet in a way. Like a knight in a shining band tee.

Mark stopped and eyed Donghyuck from head to toe “You look really good Donghyuck have you been going to the gym or something? You look like you’ve lost weight.” Donghyuck scratched the back of his head out of embarrassment and avoided Mark’s eyes,

“Er, nope. I don’t go the gym” said Donghyuck letting out an awkward giggle. Mark was clearly eyeing Donghyuck’s legs through he holes of his jeans when Donghyuck heard the unmistakable drunken screech of Jaemin followed by his unmistakeable death gip around his shoulders.

“Hyuckieeee!” Donghyuck knew what was coming next and instantly tried to push Jaemin away while craning his neck to get as much distance as possible between him and Jaemin’s lips that were currently on a collision course with his face. Donghyuck was fighting to keep his dignity but at least it broke the weird tension that was going on between Mark and him.

“Jaemin… Jaemin stop. JAEMIN WE HAVE COMPANY.” Donghyuck spat in whispered harshness. Jaemin abruptly whipped his head round to see Mark just standing there observing the two.

“Oh,” Jaemin quickly took his chance giving the distracted Donghyuck the kiss on the cheek he was working so hard to deposit, then relinquished his grip on the other in favour of sticking his hand out towards mark, “I’m Jaemin nice to meet you!”. Mark laughed at Donghyuck violently trying to wipe any trace of Jaemin from his cheek and shook Jaemin’s hand.

“I’m Mark, likewise”

Jaemin shook his pointer finger at Mark and looked at him intently, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” Mark looked confused,

“Erm, I’m not sure, do you?”

“You look super familiar man.” Donghyuck returned his attention to the conversation after ensuring all the remnants of Jaemin’s sticky saliva were banished from his skin,

“He went to our school dipshit, he was like two years above us. His name’s Mark Lee.”

“Ohhhh! That’s why you look familiar!” Mark nodded and smiled sheepishly. Jaemin was known for his social ways and immediately asked for Mark’s snapchat and proceeded to add him. Mark shuffled on the spot a little awkwardly while Donghyuck wasn’t paying attention,

“Er Hyuck,” Donghyuck’s head turned to lock eyes with Mark, who at this moment in time looked weirdly small. Mark held his phone out towards Donghyuck, “You got snap as well?” Donghyuck stopped for a second before taking the phone from Marks hand and smiling as he input his information into the phone.

“Here.” Donghyuck said to a now more relaxed and slightly excited Mark. They maintained eye contact for a moment before an excited Jaemin screeched slapping Donghyuck’s shoulder in the process,  

“YAH IT’S BRITNEY BITCH!” Jaemin was referring to the song that was playing inside the club, Donghyuck could faintly recognise it as the intro to Britney Spears’ ‘Toxic’. Jaemin grabbed Mark’s wrist and looked into his eyes with deadly seriousness, “We need Renjun... NOW.” And with that Jaemin violently pulled Mark towards the club entrance while Mark whipped his head round to look at Donghyuck pleading for help with his eyes. Donghyuck just shrugged and laughed shaking his head and followed the couple inside.

The night ended with Renjun going AWOL and Mark forcing Donghyuck and Jaemin into some weird four-way kiss with him and his disturbingly smiley friend. On the way to the taxi place Mark had asked Donghyuck to take a selfie with him, Mark wrapped his arms around Donghyuck’s waist closing his eyes and giving him a drunken kiss on the cheek while Donghyuck laughed and gave a toothy grin. Donghyuck was happy. He’d gotten his Camel back, he’d gotten his friend back, and more importantly, he was getting himself back.

XXX

 

Donghyuck hated his job. He hated his job but fortunately he liked the people he worked with and it was already October which meant he only had another three and a half months to endure before he was on a plane to sunny Thailand. Donghyuck was sitting in the break room staring dumbly out of the window whilst eating his soggy convenience store sandwich when his phone pinged. It was Jaemin. Donghyuck sighed and opened the chat. He really wasn’t expecting the message he received and had to re-read it a couple of times to make sure he wasn’t seeing things. But every time he did the creeping feeling of dread rose higher from his stomach eventually reaching his throat.

 

Jaemin:

Yo, do you know if Mark is seeing anyone?

 

Donghyuck didn’t know what to do, he just stared at his phone with his half-chewed bite of sandwich still in his mouth. Donghyuck only got knocked out of his stupor when he received another message,

 

Jaemin:

Oi, are you ignoring me you little bitch

I know you read that

 

Donghyuck:

Oh, soz was just thinking

I’m not sure, why?

 

Jaemin:

Well I’ve been talking to him a little and I think he’s super cute

Was thinking of asking him out

What do you think, you know him better than me

 

Donghyuck had also been talking to Mark ever since his 21st birthday. At first it was a bit stilted and awkward but Donghyuck knew Mark was just trying to make things like they used to be, and Donghyuck couldn’t scold him for that. So Donghyuck talked back and eventually after about a month it had gotten to be exactly like it used to be, banter and ugly selfies all day every day. It wasn’t until someone presented the possibility of taking Mark away from him that he realised his feelings had also become exactly like they used to be, and he was starting to fall for the goofy weirdo all over again. Donghyuck chewed his lip and contemplated his answer to his friend.

 

Donghyuck:

Erm, I dunno man

 

Jaemin:

What, why?

 

Donghyuck wasn’t sure what he was doing, did he want to stop his friend's possible happiness? He’d already waited eight years for Mark, was he really going to wait any longer? So he decided to just tell the truth.

 

Donghyuck:

Well because I’ve had a crush on him since I was thirteen

 

Donghyuck held his breath while waiting for a response, time seemed to stop, and he was intensely staring at his phone in anticipation,

 

Jaemin:

What the fuck

 

‘ _Oh shit.’_

Jaemin:

That’s so cute!

OMG I can’t believe you never told us that

Now I feel bad! ☹

Shit

You should tell him man

 

Donghyuck contemplated Jaemin’s messages. It went better than he expected to be honest.

 

Donghyuck:

Nooooo don’t feel bad! ☹

You couldn’t have known

I feel bad for cockblocking

I dunno about telling him

Not sure he feels the same

 

Jaemin:

Haha shut it idiot you’ve waited years

He literally beat someone up for you

Not just anyone would do that you know

Either way, you don’t know until you try

 

Donghyuck knew Jaemin was right.

 

Donghyuck:

I’ll think about it

 

Jaemin:

Just send him a dick pic

 

Donghyuck:

Right, that’s it. BLOCKED.

 

Jaemin:

Hahahaha, let me know how it goes

Love you

 

Donghyuck:

Yeah whatever you creep

 

XXX

 

It had been two days since Donghyuck’s unplanned confession to Jaemin and he was constantly hounding him with messages _‘Have you done it yet?’ ‘No’ ‘Why not? Stop being a pussy._ ’ and Donghyuck was getting aggravated. So, he tried to steer his conversation with Mark to the topic of love to make things a little easier.

 

Donghyuck:

Urgh, I hate life

 

Mark:

Aww Duckie ☹

What’s wrong?

 

Donghyuck:

I’m ugly and forever alone

Eat alone

Sleep alone

Gonna die alone

 

Mark:

That’s a lie, and you know it

 

Donghyuck was gearing up for the reveal but needed more information, so he used his cunning to try trick Mark into spilling it.

 

Donghyuck:

It’s alright for you!

You probably have a fucking queue of people wanting to date you

 

Mark:

Haha, NO!

I’m very single and alone actually

 

_‘Interesting’_

 

Donghyuck:

Well it still doesn’t stop me from repulsing the whole human race

No one likes me like that

So there!

 

Donghyuck really didn’t know where this was going, he was supposed to be confessing not making himself sound like a loser ‘ _Jaemin’s gonna kill me’._ This was harder than he thought it was going to be.

Mark:

I like you

 

_‘What?’_

Mark:

Like that

 

_‘WHAT?’_

Mark:

So there

 

' _WHAAATTT??'_

 

Maybe Jaemin wouldn’t be murdering anyone and it would be easier than Donghyuck thought after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always comments, kudos and [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Pandabrows)'s welcomed! 
> 
> *Aggressively dabs* I'M OUT! PEACE!


	7. LolBear

Renjun was casually leaning against one of the many shelves that lined the supermarket Donghyuck worked at while Donghyuck was struggling to reach the top shelf to restock it with whatever sugar and salt laden snack he had precariously balanced on the tips of his fingers.

“So, how’s Mark?” Renjun said while looking down at his nails to make it seem like he was highly disinterested in his best friends love life.

“Fine thank you” It had been about a week since the whole texting debacle where Donghyuck was sure he’d ruined his chances but in fact fate had different plans and Mark had ended up confessing to him first. Donghyuck was beyond elated that his long-term crush had reciprocated his feelings and may or may not have spent five whole minutes screaming and rolling around on his bed getting stuck in his blankets before replying to mark with an _‘I like you too’_ (Can’t seem too keen now can we). They hadn’t been on any real dates, but they worked clashing schedules and Donghyuck was just happy to go home and have Mark stay over and spend his night’s cuddling and watching TV with the older boy.

An evil smile crept across Renjun’s face, “So how is he at kissing? It’d be awful to like someone for eight years then find out they kissed like a dog who had an octopus tentacle for a tongue.” Donghyuck’s arm stopped mid restock and looked at Renjun with his mouth agape and a blush creeping up his face. Donghyuck snapped his head back to his task and mumbled something that Renjun didn’t catch,

“Sorry what was that?” Donghyuck let out a frustrated sigh and turned to Renjun with tight lips, scrunched up fists, and embarrassed eyes.

“I wouldn’t know, I haven’t kissed him yet” Donghyuck said while barely parting his lips making the words come out all contorted and pained. Donghyuck knew this was going to go one of two ways, either Renjun was going to laugh his ass off at him or he was gonna laugh his ass off at him. What he didn’t expect was the following response,

“Well maybe you should think about it, you’ve waited long enough, and we leave in three months man. Gotta do something while you can.” For once Donghyuck was silenced by the great Huang Renjun in that he had actually given useful advice that had made sense. Donghyuck was suspicious.

“What have you done with Huang Renjun? TELL ME” Donghyuck grabbed Renjun by the collar and Renjun laughed in his face,

“Is this a mafia thing, did something happen to the real Renjun and you’re his replacement?” The altercation had caught the attention of Donghyuck’s manager, Kun, who face palmed and sighed in exasperation into his hands.

“We do not man handle customers Donghyuck” He deadpanned shaking his head while keeping his hands covering his face “Get off him and go home your shift ended 33 seconds ago and I don’t want you in the store any longer than necessary.” Donghyuck let go of Renjun who now had a triumphant smirk on his face,

“Yeah Donghyuck don’t man handle the customers” Donghyuck silently moved his index finger across his throat as a warning to Renjun who just brushed it off and left the store.

XXX

 

It was 6.30pm and Donghyuck was glad to be home after the never-ending shift at the store. He was tired and just really wanted some cuddles man. He sluggishly dragged himself upstairs and into his room with his eyes closed and flopped on to his bed. His haven, his safe-place, the key to his tranquillity in this harsh world.

“WHAT YOU DOING HYUCK?” Chenle cackled from the desk chair in the corner of his room. Donghyuck wasn’t scared this time, oh no, he was pissed and as such could not be held accountable for his actions. He bolted towards Chenle pushing him to the ground sitting on him to prevent his escape. Chenle thrashed underneath him to try and prevent whatever punishment Donghyuck was currently concocting.

“Get off me, Mark’s going to be over in an hour!” Chenle screeched.

“So, what’s that got to do with me murdering you?” Chenle was still thrashing about but was getting tired,

“Firstly, think of the clean-up time. Secondly, no one wants to date a murderer, not that I know why anyone would date you even though you’re not currently a murderer,” Donghyuck jabbed Chenle’s ribs eliciting a short yelp from the younger, “and thirdly you look awful and need to use this precious time to clean yourself up so he doesn’t think you’re any more gross than you actually are.” Donghyuck stilled,

“Points were made.” And with that Donghyuck got up and sat down on his bed While Chenle stood up and dusted off his pants.

“I still don’t get how you get him to stay over but haven’t even kissed him yet.” Chenle said while still trying to get the carpet fluff off his jeans.

“How the fuck do you know that?”

“I have my ways.”

“Stay away from Renjun”

“Either way, get it done. You don’t want to end up like that loser wolf guy in Romeo and Juliet.” Donghyuck was beyond confused at that statement,

“What the fuck are you even talking about?”

“You know that film where that wolf guy who ends up losing out to that vampire who ends up getting the girl and then they kill themselves at the end” This was a new low even for Chenle.

“How the fuck are you crossing one of the greatest playwrights best works with fucking Twilight?!”

“No, that’s literally what happens in Romeo and Juliet” Donghyuck couldn’t even look at him and pointed at the door shouting the single word ‘leave’ at him. Donghyuck was still reeling from his brother’s words when he heard a faint

“Kiss him you pussy” coming from the other end of the house. Donghyuck just flopped back on his bed and prayed for Chenle’s brain cells.

Donghyuck was wearing his favourite oversized fuzzy pyjamas and drying his hair with a towel as he padded back into his room after his shower. He was surprised to find someone already in there lying on his bed scrolling through Netflix, but butterflies filled his stomach and a soft grin spread across his face when he realised it was Mark. Donghyuck stopped near his bed until Mark finally noticed him, his facial expression shifted from that of concentration to one of adoration and a smile filled with love as he wordlessly opened his arms to invite Donghyuck in. Donghyuck didn’t waste a second and ploughed his face into Mark’s warm chest, releasing a long sigh as Mark enveloped him in his safe hold. Mark bent his face down to look at Donghyuck’s closed eyes, whilst gently rocking Donghyuck back and forth in his arms.

“Are you okay Duckie?” Mark whispered in a breathy voice. Donghyuck only hummed in response rubbing his face against Mark’s t-shirt. If Mark thought it was cute he didn’t voice it and only gave a breathy giggle manoeuvring Donghyuck so he was laying on his side with his head in the crook of Mark’s neck with his arm still round the younger.

“You tired?” Donghyuck once again only hummed. “Just go to sleep, I’m not going anywhere.” The only thing Donghyuck could remember before drifting off was the presence of Mark’s warm lips ghosting his forehead.

Donghyuck didn’t know how long he had been asleep but he awoke with a startle because of what he could only assume was a loud noise coming from the TV. He lifted his head slightly in shock looking around the room with wide round eyes but felt a finger on his chin manoeuvring his face back in the opposite direction. Mark locked eyes with Donghyuck’s owlish ones staring into them in a way Donghyuck had never seen before. Their faces were close, too close. Donghyuck could feel Mark's warm breath fanning his cheeks and lips, Donghyuck’s heart was in overdrive as he glanced down to Mark’s lips for the briefest of moments before his gaze flitted back up to Mark’s eyes. Mark tilted Donghyuck’s head up further whilst moving his own face downwards toward the boy, both their eyes fluttered shut and Donghyuck could only remember the initial soft press of lips to his own before the surge of butterflies soared from his lower abdomen right up to his throat.

XXX

 

“I don’t remember it.”

“What do you mean you don’t remember the first kiss you had with Mark?” Jaemin seemed slightly annoyed at Donghyuck’s statement and Renjun just seemed perplexed.

“I can’t tell you what it was like because I don’t remember it. Plus, it was over a week ago now.” Donghyuck reiterated. And it was true, after the first brush of lips Donghyuck couldn’t remember what had happened next, he could only recall the feeling of a fiery passion within him mixing with a belonging that he’d never felt before. The actual kiss however, was a complete blur. Donghyuck had guessed that it was because he was so into it that his brain didn’t have enough power to process the act and record it to memory at the same time. Jaemin and Renjun didn’t seem completely convinced by this explanation but let topic slide content with knowing their friend had gotten the kiss he had been waiting for for eight years, even if he didn’t remember it.

They were all gathered at Renjun’s for pre-drinks and were once again readying themselves for another night out. Renjun had managed to convince Donghyuck by saying ‘ _We leave soon, and we have to get these kinds of nights out in before we do… plus you get to see Mark in all his ethereal beauty AND take him home.’_ So really, he didn’t need much convincing at all but Renjun didn’t need to know that.

It turned into one of the best night’s out Donghyuck had ever had. He guessed it was because he spent the majority of his time with his arms looped around Mark’s neck while the other had a tight gasp of his hips swaying to the heavy beat emitted by the speakers. Neither of them could stop smiling and Donghyuck had to rub his cheeks on several occasions because of the pain. They were in the middle of a not-so passionate kiss when he heard it,

“Who even makes out to Teenage Dirtbag Donghyuck?” The DJ announced across the PA system. Now Donghyuck didn’t really grasp the concept of embarrassment at this point and viewed the DJ’s statement as more of a challenge. He looked directly into the DJ’s laughing face, swaying slightly after loosening his hold on Mark and narrowed his eyes. He then abruptly grabbed the sides of Mark’s head with both his hands and surged forward aggressively forcing their lips together in possibly the angriest kiss anyone had ever seen. Donghyuck softened his stance once he realised that Mark was laughing and smiling into the kiss and began to giggle along with him before breaking it and giving the middle finger to the DJ who just laughed at his antics. Donghyuck could never imagine being this happy and nothing could change that.

Apart from after they’d gotten home and he was kept awake by the incessant pinging of Mark’s phone. Mark was tucked up in bed behind Donghyuck softly snoring.

“Wake up.” Donghyuck gently shook Mark to try and rouse him from his heavy sleep, “Wake up, your phone won’t stop going off!”. No luck, Mark was out for the count and he wasn’t waking up any time soon. Donghyuck was frustrated, he was at that stage of being awake where he could feel the hangover kicking in and no one, I repeat no one, wants to be awake when that happens.

He shuffled out of bed muttering under his breath and shushing any inanimate objects he collided with on his quest to find Mark’s jacket. ‘ _Found you, you fucker.’_ Donghyuck thought as he triumphantly pulled the offending article from its hiding place.

“Fucking 21 messages, when did you become so fucking popular?” Donghyuck asked to the sleeping boy, just at that moment the unmistakeable ping of Mark’s phone sounded and a new message popped up on the screen,

 

LolBear:

I miss you </3

 

 _‘Who the fuck is LolBear… and why are they missing my boyfriend?’_ Donghyuck turned to Mark’s sleeping form seeing his sharp features illuminated by the moonlight seeping through the cracks in the curtains. Donghyuck was shook from his thoughts by the sound of another incoming message.

 

LolBear:

I know you miss me too

 

And with that Donghyuck couldn’t hold back the sub-zero sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach and in his inebriated state unlocked Mark’s phone. And there they were, hundreds of messages between Mark and this LolBear professing their undying love for each other going back months. Donghyuck felt cold and sick, he didn’t know how long he had been reading the messages or when the tears started to fall but his nausea quickly turned to anger, and he roughly shook Mark awake who turned to look at Donghyuck’s tear stained face with panic and worry. Donghyuck stayed silent, and Mark held his breath. Donghyuck was shaking with anger and was worried that he’d lose control if he spoke too many words. Instead he just shoved Mark’s phone into it's owner’s face.

“Explain” Mark tore his eyes from Donghyuck to try and decipher what was being shown to him. Marks complexion became pale and he whipped his panicked eyes back to Donghyuck as his mouth opened and closed wordlessly several times. Donghyuck slammed the phone on the bed and turned away from Mark, “Get dressed and get out.” And Mark silently followed his command, he slipped from the bed and began pulling on his trousers.

“I broke up with her. I broke up with her like two weeks before I confessed to you.” That’s all Mark had whispered in his defence and with that Donghyuck began crying more. He was hurt that he had found the messages, hurt that Mark’s ex was clearly still very interested, and he was hurt that he didn’t know about her at all despite having been talking to Mark for a couple of months before the confession. But now more than anything he was confused. Did he have a right to be angry at Mark for having a life before him? It’s not like he was cheating on him, was it? Donghyuck was too confused and intoxicated to think clearly. He didn’t have long left to spend with Mark before he went travelling and didn’t really want to waste any more time than he already had. Donghyuck saw Mark reaching for the door handle to leave and coldly announced another command,

“Get back in bed, we’ll talk tomorrow.”  And Mark did. He slipped off his jeans and crawled back into bed at the other side of Donghyuck bringing the cold back in with him. His breath was shaky, and he didn’t know what to do. Donghyuck just laid there with his back facing him. Mark tried to comfort Donghyuck, but he harshly flung Mark’s arm off his shoulder and shuffled away from Mark to be as close to the edge of the mattress as he could get. If Mark shed any tears they were silent, in desperate contrast to Donghyuck’s shaky intermittent sobs.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual comments and kudos appreciated! 
> 
> P.S. I'm not sorry.
> 
> I might to a Mark centric version of this fic because we never really see much of him. Let me know if I should.


	8. Christmaaassss!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amanda, writing a fluff based chapter?! Nooooo...

When Donghyuck had sobered up he realised he was being a bit unrealistic in thinking that Mark didn’t have a life before him. He woke up in the morning and turned to see Mark already staring at him with big round eyes looking like an injured puppy. There was nothing but silence and an apologetic atmosphere of words that didn’t need to be said in the air. After what felt like forever of Donghyuck internally debating how best to apologise and fix the situation he shuffled closer to Mark to test the waters. Mark quickly enveloped him in a firm embrace dragging Donghyuck’s body across the mattress and pushing him into his chest. Mark took a long inhale through Donghyuck’s hair and Donghyuck let out the breath he was holding, after a while of silent conversation through their bodies Mark kissed the top of Donghyuck’s head to signal the end of their argument.

The incident wasn’t spoken of again apart from Donghyuck sternly advising Mark to delete all the messages to which Mark looked Donghyuck in the eyes with conviction and informed him he already had. Donghyuck was comfortable with that, he felt a weight leave his chest knowing that Mark had considered his feelings and understood why he was angry. It wasn’t because they were just messages, it was because keeping them on his phone was like keeping his ex around and Donghyuck wanted to be the only one for Mark and couldn’t handle the thought of being second best. Donghyuck suggested that they forget about the whole incident to which Mark happily agreed with a sheepish nod. Donghyuck didn’t want to waste the precious time he had left with his beau and just wanted to move on and start anew whilst perhaps learning to not judge situations so quickly and jump to conclusions as he had done that night. He was also hoping to be a little less insecure in himself and his relationship but it that was going to be a little more difficult, he could only try. Donghyuck felt lighter, after all, all relationships have their ups and downs and Donghyuck was going to ride that rollercoaster until the end because Mark Lee would be sitting next to him the whole way.

XXX

 

It had been two months since Donghyuck had started dating Mark and he was besotted, he was smitten, he was infatuated, he was fascinated and inflamed. He was every affection related adjective there was in all the languages in the world for Mark. He was reluctant at first to admit to himself that it was the big ‘L’ word having used it previously with Johnny and then becoming so broken by the incident. He didn’t have to voice it out loud, but he couldn’t lie to himself any longer. It had only technically been two months, but in Donghyuck’s mind and his heart this had all started eight years ago, and Mark had been a constant throughout in some shape or form, seemingly always present. Like a ghost that lived in Donghyuck’s life, ever present but not always seen. He felt very different to when he was with Johnny, there was no ache from absence or innate intensity to the relationship, he felt free being with Mark, instead of feeling like the two were in their own world without bystanders like he had previously known love to be. It was easy, maybe not exciting, but fulfilling, fun, and just plain beautiful. And to Donghyuck, Mark got more and more beautiful with every day. Donghyuck wanted to show Mark how much he meant to him by putting real thought into his Christmas gift and had just figured out how to show his love without uttering a word of it.

Donghyuck was looking at his laptop in fierce concentration when Chenle barged into his room and flopped on to Donghyuck’s bed and screamed into the infamous ‘frustration pillow’ (it’s ironically shaped like a flower, one of things that would always calm Donghyuck down).

Donghyuck had swivelled on his chair and clasped his hands staring at Chenle through his emotional outburst, when he had seemingly exorcised his frustrations Donghyuck began contorting his face into dramatic concern,

“And how does that make you feel?” Donghyuck questioned in his best Hollywood therapist voice whilst dragging out the vowels of the final word. Chenle raised his head from the pillow just enough to give Donghyuck the dirtiest look, “I have a degree in psychology you know, I could become a Psychologist if I wanted!”

“Yeah well you’re not one right now so cut the crap.” Chenle said while dramatically flipping over to his front in one bouncing movement.

“Alright dramatic, what’s wrong?”

“I just spent five hours,” Chenle raised his index finger and pointedly stared at Donghyuck with wide eyes and raised brows, “FIVE HOURS, Christmas shopping with Jisung because apparently it’s his turn to get all the unimportant family friend presents this year.”

“Oh god, you should have just done it online. I literally just finished ordering Mark’s present and it’ll be here in like three days. Work smarter not harder Chenle.” Chenle huffed out what sounded like a short scream of frustration and raised his index finger once more while surveying the clearly very interesting ceiling.

“Don’t even mention that name.” Donghyuck was perplexed but let out a breathy laugh,

“What, why?”

“Because he who must not be named was the reason it took so long!”

“I know I used to lock you in cupboards a lot, but you know you’re not actually in Harry Potter, right? Are you having a psychotic break? Do I need to phone the mental health professionals?” If looks could kill, someone in that room who had an affinity for black clothing and glitter make-up would be dead right about now.

“No dear brother, I’m not having a breakdown. It’s just that Mark had left a post it note for Jisung with only the words ‘ _here’s fifty, get something nice for a dude’_ on it. Like what the fuck? How were we supposed to get anything good with that information and who the fuck was this dude?! We guessed it was Jeno, but still, a little more info would have been appreciated.” Donghyuck laughed at Chenle’s frustration thanking the god’s that he didn’t have this problem.

“So, what did you end up getting Jeno then?”

“We ended up just getting him some aftershave shaped like some dudes abs.” ‘ _What?’_

“Ohhhh, you mean Le Male?” Chenle sighed,

“I don’t even know anymore, all I know is that there were abs and Jisung blushed when he had to hold it.” Donghyuck laughed but he knew the scent well after watching Johnny douse copious amounts of it over himself when they went on their ‘dates’. He was starting to walk down a trail of thoughts he wasn’t sure he wanted to go down when he was snapped out of it by Chenle’s extra loud fake sobbing and his shouts insisting he ‘hated Christmas’. Donghyuck just laughed and threw the frustration pillow at Chenle’s head to appease the frustration gods.

XXX

 

Christmas rolled around and Donghyuck was beyond excited. This was the first time he had a real boyfriend for Christmas and he wanted everything to go perfectly. He wanted kisses and cuddles and for Mark to love the gifts he had bought for him. His uncontainable excited energy was really starting to piss his dad off,

“You’re 21 what’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just sit still for longer that ten seconds?”

“It’s Christmas dad, you’re just dead inside.” Donghyuck huffed feeling slightly attacked for being happy.

“Well I’d rather be dead inside that look like I’m on crack if that’s the other option.” Donghyuck became tight lipped and side-eyed his dad deciding he wasn’t going to engage with his goading and just wait ~~in~~ patiently for Mark to finfish whatever celebrations he had going on with his family before coming over and making Donghyuck’s Christmas really begin.

It was almost 7.30 at night when Donghyuck got the text he had been waiting for all day and my god if Donghyuck was excited before I have no words to describe what he was feeling right that second. He started practically bouncing on his bed squealing in a pitch only reliably heard by canines. He rushed to the mirror to fix his hair and make-up to make sure he looked super cute and suitably soft to match the Christmas theme. He scanned the room for Mark’s presents and caught sight of the shiny blue wrapping paper topped with a silver bows, he was staring at it wondering if what he had done was enough and started to doubt if Mark would even like his gifts. He was so far in thought he didn’t hear the door open behind him and someone enter his room.

The intruder came up behind Donghyuck, hooked their arms underneath Donghyuck’s and wrapped them upwards so their hands were resting on Donghyuck’s shoulders. Donghyuck could smell the cold and familiar scent of Mark and he leaned backwards into his chest while Mark whispered a soft ‘Hey’ blowing warm breath onto Donghyuck’s neck. Donghyuck shuddered and Mark’s lips twitched into a knowing smirk. Mark leaned into Donghyuck’s neck breathing heavy and slow making Donghyuck’s breath hitch from time to time. Mark loved teasing Donghyuck, but because it was Christmas he was going to be kind and not make him wait as long as usual. Mark softly pressed his lips to Donghyuck’s neck eliciting a small gasp from the boy, Mark smiled and closed his eyes when he opened his mouth to leave a hot open-mouthed kiss in the same spot. Donghyuck’s back arched and his head leaned back to rest on Marks’s shoulder, to Mark this was an invitation. Mark’s teeth began to lightly scrape along Donghyuck’s iridescent skin leaving faint trails of red and a whimper escaped the youngers mouth, one of Donghyuck’s hands came up over his head to find a home in Mark’s hair, which only encouraged Mark further. Mark slid his hands from Donghyuck’s shoulders over his chest and began to slowly unbutton his shirt from top to bottom. One of Donghyuck’s hands quickly moved to Mark’s to stop his movements and he lifted his head from his lover’s shoulder,

“M-mark…”

Mark opened his eyes and turned his head to look into Donghyuck’s vulnerable and soft eyes, “Yes?” he whispered and smiled innocently at Donghyuck without releasing him from his grasp,

Donghyuck cleared his throat, “I think I’m going to take a shower. I may as well considering I’m halfway undressed.” Mark just laughed tapping Donghyuck’s stomach with both his hands and turned his head away from the boy releasing him from his embrace. Mark did always find it endearing that Donghyuck never really knew how to handle these situations and became easily flustered and awkward always changing the topic rather abruptly to end it. It’s not like Mark hadn’t seen him topless before or anything.

Donghyuck escaped to the bathroom and let out a long sigh whilst resting his head against the door, he opened his eyes and caught the reflection of his blushed cheeks in the mirror. He shook his head and whispered ‘ _that boy will be the death of me’_ under his breath and proceeded to whip off his shirt and pants and jump in the not so warm shower.

When Donghyuck had calmed down and dressed himself once again in his favourite fuzzy pyjamas he walked back into his room to hear what sounded like Mark angrily finishing a phone call. Donghyuck’s brows furrowed in curiosity as he slid under the covers to steal Mark’s body heat, curling his little fingers around Mark’s waist, leaving a sweet kiss on his cheek.

“What was that about?” Mark turned to Donghyuck with an apologetic half smile,

“Oh, nothing, you know how people can get at Christmas. Too much alcohol and all that.” Mark groaned and pulled Donghyuck up onto his chest snuggling his nose into the youngers neck breathing deeply.

“Hey! That tickles!” Mark laughed at Donghyuck’s childish report, and cheekily replied with,

“So?”

“So, get off me, I’ve just been cleansed I don’t need your germ ridden breath all over me thanks. Plus, we have gifts to exchange!” Donghyuck pushed against Mark’s chest with both his hands to remove himself from Mark’s grip. Mark quickly pulled the younger down again in one swift motion, pressed a chaste kiss to his lips, and smiled up at him before whispering, “Okay".

Donghyuck’s lips twisted to try and mask the smile that was growing on them,

“You’re so cliché Mark Lee.” And with that he was released, he grabbed the gifts that were lying on his desk in the corner of his room and dashed back to the bed in an excited skip. Donghyuck shoved his neatly wrapped packages in Mark’s face,

“HERE” Donghyuck abruptly announced just in case Mark didn’t understand they were for him. Mark laughed and took the gifts from Donghyuck’s delicate fingers. He opened the bigger one first like any adult sized child would do. Mark’s face lit up when he opened the wrapping paper to reveal a Lego Batman alarm clock and Donghyuck’s doubts about the gift vanished. Of course Mark like it, he was a nerd. Donghyuck didn’t understand his obsession with Batman but he whole heartedly supported it, plus this way Donghyuck wouldn’t have to hear the garish alarm tone from Mark’s phone anymore. Everybody wins. Mark leaned over and gave Donghyuck a kiss on the cheek while still giggling and playing with Batman’s limbs.

“You know there’s another present, stop molesting Batman for a second and open it.” Mark rolled his eyes and reached for the smaller rectangular shaped object. He opened it to reveal a beautiful silver ornate photo frame with an edited photo of him and Jeno passionately kissing in it. Mark let out an exasperated sigh and closed his eyes when he laughed,

“What the fuck is this Donghyuck?”

Donghyuck cocked his head and pouted whilst slapping his hands on the mattress, “What, don’t you like it?”

“Donghyuck, I know you, there’s something going on here what is it?” Donghyuck knew he couldn’t keep the rouse up for long and broke out into a smile grabbing the frame from Mark’s hands. He quickly took the back off and held it close to his chest when Mark tried to see what he was doing.

“No peeking!” Donghyuck commanded, and Mark obeyed removing himself from Donghyuck’s space. Donghyuck finally finished doing whatever the hell he was doing with the frame and turned it around to show Mark with a wide grin on his face.

“Tada!” Mark’s eyes focused on the photo in front of him, they became glassy and Donghyuck panicked.

“Oh God, you hate it, I’ll change it back!” Donghyuck scrambled to try and remove the backing from the frame when Mark’s hands grabbed his wrists and forced him to cease. Donghyuck looked up to see Mark’s facial expression had become incredibly soft, Mark looked at him dead in the eye and hoarsely said,

“I love it. Thank you.” and leaned in to firmly kiss Donghyuck on the lips with conviction whilst holding the sides of his head. Mark removed his hands and lips from Donghyuck taking the photo back from his boyfriend and looked down at it with loving eyes and a soft smile. Donghyuck just watched him intently, trying to store every second of this moment in his memory. If Donghyuck had known that gifting Mark the photo of them outside Camel where Mark had wrapped his arms around Donghyuck’s waist and given him a kiss on the cheek would have elicited this reaction he would have given it to him sooner. Donghyuck’s chest filled with warm butterflies and was only knocked out of his romantic stupor when Mark announced it was his turn to open his present.

Donghyuck excitedly grabbed the object from Mark and ripped into it to reveal a silver cannister shaped casing that Donghyuck definitely recognised. It was the outer packaging of a Le Male aftershave that held so many unspoken memories for Donghyuck. 

‘ _Oh. Ohhh.’_ Even though Donghyuck knew Mark hadn’t gone and found it himself and that Jisung and Chenle had found the gift it was probably for the best because Mark was shit at gift giving. Donghyuck just had to think back to the time where he’d asked Mark to buy him a sandwich and came back with his favourite flowers. _‘They didn’t have the sandwich you wanted so I got you these’ ‘I can’t eat Tulips but thank you anyway’._ Mark had initially been so proud of himself but quickly realised he probably should have bought a different sandwich as well as the flowers, Donghyuck rewarded him with his laughter and a peck on the cheek anyway.

 Mark had probably stressed himself out coming up with gift ideas until he’d come up with an acceptable solution of enlisting Jisung’s help to get a decent gift for Donghyuck. Donghyuck reassured himself even more knowing that Mark had clearly wrapped it (it was bad) and therefore deemed it a gift he wanted to give to Donghyuck. Donghyuck was pleased with the effort and that was enough for him.

Donghyuck quickly tried to hide his contemplation but Mark caught it and his face dropped.

“You don’t like it?” Donghyuck snapped his head towards Mark and smiled,

“Of course, I do! I was just confused because it looked like you’d taken my jokes about mystery tin Tuesday a little far and bought me a can a of food with no label.” Marks face instantly turned into a relieved grin and started laughing.

“You’re not wrong, it does look like a tin of soup.”

Donghyuck smiled and leaned in to press a kiss to the now very embarrassed Mark’s cheek.

“Merry Christmas Mark.”

Mark let out a dramatic sigh and Donghyuck raised his gaze to meet Mark’s,

“What’s wrong?” Donghyuck questioned with concern clearly lacing his words.

“It’s your pyjama shirt.” Donghyuck furrowed his brow in confusion and stilled his movements.

“What about my shirt?” Donghyuck said while pouting and looking down at the article, playing with its hem.  

“It’s a fire hazard,” Donghyuck was even more perplexed, “that kind of material can’t be on a body that hot. You’re gonna have to take it off.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake Mark Lee! That was fucking awful, even for you!” Donghyuck slapped Mark’s shoulder while Mark just cackled in amusement. Donghyuck surged forward to tackle the elder, “I WILL END YOU MARK LEE!”

“Oh, I hope so.” Mark greasily retorted whilst catching Donghyuck and snaking his arms around his torso.  

“Fucking gross!”

Both males spent the rest of their night happily giggling and teasing each other in between stolen Christmas kisses.   


	9. Leprosy fetish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short one today because I'm fairly sure no one likes this fic 😂😂😂
> 
> I apologise if you've made it this far!

Donghyuck woke up to a tickling sensation running over the side of his face, he opened his bleary eyes to see Mark hovering to the side of him, sunlight illuminating his head with a halo of gold. He looked beautiful whilst he was tracing the moles on Donghyuk’s face with his finger, the morning sun illuminating his features. It took Donghyuck’s breath away, it felt like he was playing the lead in the romantic movie of his life. Mark leaned in towards Donghyuck making the latter’s breath hitch.

“I like your moles, it looks like you have the beginnings of leprosy.” Donghyuck jerked his head away contorting his face into one of disgust,

“What the actual fuck, firstly way to ruin the moment dumbass, secondly, not medically accurate, thirdly get the fuck out my house right now you weird fetishist!” Donghyuck started pushing Mark away from himself whilst mourning the abrupt end to his train of beautiful thoughts. Mark just laughed heartily and grabbed on to Donghyuck’s wrists.

“Get out you creep!” Donghyuck squirmed in his grasp but Mark was too strong and pinned Donghyuck under his body. Donghyuck could see the mischief in his eyes already,

“Make me”    

Donghyuck sighed in exasperation and rolled his eyes “Oh for fuck’s sake it’s going to be one of these days again isn’t it?”

“Yes, yes it is sweetheart” and with that Mark dived his face into Donghyuk’s neck while growling and began leaving soft tickling kisses. A smile grew on Donghyuck’s lips, Mark didn’t need to know that though.

After Mark stopped acting like a teenager despite being 23, Donghyuck decided it was best to direct the topic to that of that evening’s plans. Donghyuck flopped himself on to Mark’s chest rubbing his chin against the soft fabric of his t-shirt as he spoke,

“It’s New Year’s Eve loser, what are you doing tonight?”

Mark didn’t even bother opening his eyes to answer, “Well, Jeno just wants to go to the pub, so we’re just going to the pub. What about you?”

Donghyuck huffed out a breath to demonstrate his frustration, “I wanted to stay home but I’m being blackmailed into going to Camel” Mark jerked his head up to look at the mop of hair laid on his chest,

“Blackmailed?”

“Yeah apparently Renjun and Jaemin have been secretly recording me doing stupid things for ages in case I refused to do something they wanted to do. I think it was Renjun’s idea, when I have proof he’s dead” Mark just laughed,

“You and your friends are weird”

“Hey! I’m just attached to my bed okay, we’re in a committed relationship” Mark looked equally amused and offended,

“What am I then?!”

“Side hoe, obviously” and with that Mark tackled Donghyuck and began his rowdy teenager act again, not that Donghyuck was complaining.

When getting ready for his night out it occurred to Donghyuck that he never asked Mark about what he was specifically doing at midnight. It was the sole motive for starting the whole conversation about their New Year’s Eve plans earlier that morning, but now he was going to have to do it over text and it would make it a thousand times more obvious what he was doing. Damn Mark and his distracting ways! So, Donghyuck thought it was just best to face it head on and take the roasting he was gonna get for being so clingy.

 

Donghyuck:

Shit head, what are your plans for midnight?

 

Mark:

New number who dis?

 

Donghyuck:

I will find you

I will hurt you

 

Mark:

Hahahaha

You wish you could

 

Donghyuck:

I never said the pain would be physical

I still have photos of 15 year old you…

And that hair…

 

Mark:

You wouldn’t

 

Donghyuck:

Try me.

 

Mark:

Fine, I’ll try ditch Jeno and find you

 

Donghyuck:

You can’t just ditch him

Jeno needs love too

 

Mark:

You want me to kiss Jeno instead?

 

Donghyuck:

No, you idiot

Just bring him with you

Though it’s not like you haven’t kissed Jeno before

 

Mark:

Excuse me?

I think I would know if I had kissed Jeno!

 

Donghyuck:

Do you not remember that four way kiss you dragged us into?

 

Mark:

Oh, shit yeah, haha forgot about that.

 

Donghyuck:

It was weird even for you Mark

 

Mark:

Well maybe I just wanted to kiss you and didn’t have the balls

 

Donghyuck just stared at his phone with this newly acquired information, bringing up the weird four-way kiss was meant to embarrass Mark not himself

 

Mark:

Is that okay?

 

Donghyuck knew he needed to win this part of the conversation so he didn’t seem like a complete loser for both being embarrassed by Mark’s confession and the fact he was clearly begging for Mark to kiss him at midnight.

 

Donghyuck:

Well who doesn’t want to kiss me?

Have you seen me?

 

Mark:

Yes, that’s literally why I wanted to kiss you

Did you really not understand why I did that hahaha

Did you not know I had a crush on you back then?

 

Donghyuck:

NO! Ofc not, why would I?

 

Mark:

I made it pretty obvious!

 

Donghyuck:

Well I think your plan backfired anyway

 

Mark:

How so, we’re literally bf’s now?

 

Donghyuck:

Yeah but you ended up making Jaemin like you before I did!

It was almost Markmin

 

Mark:

Hmmmm, interesstiiing…

Markmin has a ring to it

 

Donghyuck:

I hate you.

 

Mark:

No, you don’t, I’ll see you at midnight for that kiss you’re obviously asking for

Needy baby

 

‘ _Fuck, he knows’_

Mark:

Or maybe it’ll be Jaemin, we’ll see who I find first 😉

First come, first served

 

Donghyuck:

Fuck. Off.

 

XXX

 

Camel is even more packed than usual and Donghyuck is even more glad he’s friends with the bartenders or it would have been impossible to keep his buzz from pre-drinks going. He wasn't wasted but he was feeling the floating feeling he always enjoyed from the mix of alcohol, energy drinks, and sugar. So much so he wasn't even bothered when some random guy with a digital clock display on his shirt fell into him sending him to the ground. Luckily the guy had an interesting shirt and the incident was forgotten almost immediately in favour of finding out where the hell he got such a shirt and if it was a fire hazard, ‘ _My boyfriend says any shirt on me is a fire hazard because I’m just so hot’._ Donghyuck says weird things when he’s been drinking, deal with it, everyone else has to. It didn't even dawn on him that the guy’s shirt read 23.45 until he was being dragged away by Renjun and Jaemin for being a ‘fucking menace’ harassing the poor guy who clearly just wanted to leave. He checked his phone to find out if Mark was on his way, all his messages were still left unread,

 

Donghyuck:

[ _22.36_ ] Maaaarrkkkiieeee, we’re in caml new

[23:06] Arw yoi coming soin?

[23:25] Sanka ya dead?

 

Donghyuck was confused and a little hurt that his boyfriend was seemingly ignoring him, Mark was probably having a great time without him. Why would Mark even want a drunk clingy loser like Donghyuck anywhere near him, showing him up in front of his friends. But Donghyuck was still drunk and still clingy and he wanted that New Year’s kiss. It meant more to Donghyuck than just a kiss, it was a beginning of a new year, hopefully a year where Donghyuck’s problems would be fixed and he could be happy, hopefully also one he could spend with Mark, and as such wanted it to begin with a good omen. So, he decided that the best thing to do would be to go find Mark himself. Donghyuck left the club without telling his friends, too transfixed on getting what he needed, but they must have seen him because Donghyuck’s phone started pinging with notifications as soon as he rounded the corner of the exit.

 

Jaemin:

Where are you going?

 

Donghyuck:

MArk

 

Jaemin:

Ypou cant just do that

Stop ditching us for mark

Why are you like this

Youre so selfish

 

Donghyuck didn’t even bother replying or looking at the other thousand notifications he was getting through his phone. He knew how clingy Jaemin could get when he was drunk and didn’t really want to deal with it, so he didn’t. Though he was beginning to feel a little torn between Mark and his friends, his steps slowed and his thoughts quickened, but he was soon pulled out of them again by some guy shouting ‘ _You’re arse is better than my mum’s!”_ at him forcing him to respond with a quizzical ‘ _Thank you?’_. After that, Donghyuck had completely forgotten what he was thinking about and carried on his merry way to the pub in search of his beloved Mark.

When Donghyuck arrived it was very clear to him where Mark was, he could hear his other half by just stepping over the threshold. His laugh was loud and very distinct, it was always like that when he had been drinking and by the time Donghyuck got to his table he could tell the other was very very intoxicated giving reason to why his messages went unanswered. Donghyuck announced himself with a loud ‘Hey’. Everyone at the table turned to see Donghyuck, Mark smiled warmly and pulled him into his lap leaving a sweet kiss his on his lips. No words were exchanged however, as Mark was quickly dragged back into his conversation with friends. Donghyuck sighed and slid off his boyfriends lap to sit on the bench next to him. He looked up to see Jeno shifting uncomfortably in his seat clearly avoiding Donghyuck’s gaze, but Jeno was the only other person Donghyuck knew in the group and so Donghyuck had no choice but to try and interact.  

“Jeno…”

“Oh, hey Hyuck, I didn’t know you were going to be here”

“Well Mark was supposed to come meet me but clearly he’s in no state to even know his own name never mind come find me at Camel.” Jeno moved his gaze to look down at the table, he was acting real weird. Donghyuck didn’t like it so tried to lighten the mood,

“I know you wanted Mark’s lips for midnight but, my boyfriend, my lips!” Donghyuck said whilst grabbing Mark’s drink and taking a sip, Mark didn’t even notice. The statement seemed to have moved Jeno from his uncomfortable state as he now had a teasing grin on his face,

“Oooo, boyfriend!” He sang while extending the ‘o’ in the last word. Donghyuck grimaced and growled a ‘shut it’ back to him, trying to hide his grin behind the rim of the glass afterwards.

Donghyuck then made the horrible mistake of looking at his phone, forgetting the slew of slanderous messages Jaemin had probably left, to see it was two minutes to midnight. He huffed and shoved his phone back in his pocket as he literally dragged Mark out of his conversation with his friends.

“Oi, are you gonna ignore me all night or what?” Mark just stared at him in confusion with wide eyes and raised brows. Donghyuck mirrored his confusion but with furrowed brows and a slight pout, “What? What are you looking at me like that for?”

“You’re just so beautiful Donghyuck” Donghyuck was not expecting that at all and his immeasurable blush was a telling sign of it, but Mark continued anyway snaking his arm around Donghyuck’s waist, “I just wish we had more New Year’s kisses” and with that Donghyuck melted into Mark’s hold wrapping his arms around Mark’s neck, he had no words to reply, his whole face went soft and his body limp as he drowned in Mark. He was startled back into rigidity by everyone around them shouting,

“10, 9, 8…” Mark turned away from Donghyuck to join in with his friends shouting the countdown, but all Donghyuck could do was sit and stare at Mark looking so happy, Donghyuck’s heart was warm and Mark’s obvious happiness in that moment brought almost tears to his eyes. He was just so overwhelmed by the other boy’s pure unadulterated joy.

“3…” Mark turned to Donghyuck still with his arms around his waist,

“2…” Mark’s grin turned to a soft smile of adoration,

“1!” Mark softly grasped one of Donghyuck’s wrists that were still around his neck without removing it and leaned in to Donghyuck seemingly in slow motion, the smile in his eyes and on his face replaced with something more intense. Donghyuck could only sit and unblinkingly watch everything unfold in front of him, unable to move his body as Mark encroached. Donghyuck stopped breathing and his breath was only released as a sigh when Mark’s lips brushed his. Once again Donghyuck couldn't remember the kiss, but he guessed it was a good one.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any comments [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Pandabrows) 's or kudos are much appreciated and it cheers me up. 
> 
> Thank you.


	10. The 10:05 to Thailand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again to all those supporting this, it really means a lot.

Donghyuck was sat in his living room having an existential crisis. He was kneeled on the floor surrounded by what looked like the entire contents of his wardrobe laying haphazardly around him with no real organisation or purpose. His hands tightly gripped the rucksack in front of him while he ground his teeth trying to keep the tears at bay. He knew it was stupid to get so worked up about packing for his trip, but he just couldn’t seem to get everything he needed in the bag and he had been constantly packing and repacking it for well over three hours with nothing to show for his efforts. He was clearly stressed, and it was probably more than just a bag that was making him feel like that, but he refused to acknowledge his feelings as usual in favour of blaming the ‘piece of shit rucksack’ for ruining his trip and his life. That is until the tears began to fall.

The negative thoughts about his trip began slowly, ‘ _What if I hate it?’ ‘What if it doesn’t make me happy?’_ but they quickly snowballed into bigger concerns, _‘What if I’m still broken by the end of it?’ ‘What if Mark doesn’t wait for me and finds someone better while I’m not here?’._ And then finally the thoughts transformed into those that didn’t even concern his travel plans at all, _‘Everyone hates you anyway, what does it matter if it doesn’t help, you’ll still come home to no friends. Mark doesn’t like you as much as you like him. He’s gonna get fed up of you and your shit sometime soon anyway’._ Donghyuck slowly bent forward whilst chest wrenching sobs ripped through him, the kind of primeval sobs that only come from the purest primary emotions that have been with man from the beginning of time. His head finally collided with that of the rucksack he was still gripping tightly, tears being the only thing that filled its compartments.

Donghyuck didn’t know how long he had stayed like that but he was beginning to feel emotionally numb and had calmed down considerably. He reached for his phone and messaged someone he knew he could rely on.

 

Donghyuck:

I need some help with packing

 

Mark:

Sure, be there in 5 x

 

Mark was sweet, it was almost unfair that Donghyuck hadn’t warned him about the mess. Not only the mess of the living room but also the emotional mess that was Donghyuck at that moment in time. Mark basically lived in Donghyuck’s house at this point so didn’t bother knocking and just announced his arrival by shouting,

“Donghyuck?” Donghyuck steeled himself and attempted to hide his earlier emotional outburst.

“In the living room”

Mark walked in and was shocked. That’s the only way to put it into words. Donghyuck sat cross-legged, looking unusually small, in front of an empty bag, clothes strewn everywhere with red rimmed puffy eyes and a very unstable smile on his face. Mark wasn’t even that close at that point and he could still see the quiver of Donghyuck’s lips and his strained attempts and keeping his forehead from creasing. Donghyuck gripped his thighs so tightly you could see the whites of his knuckles. They were both silent for a few beats as Mark tried to decipher what he had just walked in on. He was still holding the door handle when Donghyuck couldn’t hold it anymore and his lips turned down letting a whimper escape with tears flowing out of his open eyes, head slowly lowering to lessen the shame of the inevitable drawn-out sobs that were circling Donghyuck’s throat. Mark enveloped him in his hold, stroking his hair with one hand and hushing him with soft tones whispered in his ear.

They sit for however long it takes Mark to deem it safe enough to ask Donghyuck what’s wrong.

“I’m just stressed.” Mark only hums in response. He’s not convinced that’s the whole story, but he knows better than to push his other half, knowing it’ll go one of two ways. Either Donghyuck will shut down completely or go straight back into meltdown mode starting the whole process over again. So, Mark doesn’t push and just let’s Donghyuck tell him what he wants to disclose.

“I think everything just dawned on me at once and I got overwhelmed… AND THIS DICKHEAD BAG,” Donghyuck grabs said bag and throws it across the room in irritation, “THINKS IT CAN FUCKING OUTSMART ME!” Mark smiles at the theatrics knowing that the tears are gone for the time being. Donghyuck continues his antics jabbing his finger repeatedly in the direction of the bag in confrontation while spitting ‘ _Yeah, I’m talking about you, you prick’_ through his lips.

Mark’s laughing now at his dramatic boyfriend and only stops when Donghyuck whips his head round looking at Mark with apologetic eyes. Mark brushes the hair out of Donghyuck’s eyes and kisses his forehead, Donghyuck’s eyes flutter shut at the connection and all is calm again in the Lee household.

XXX

 

The weekend before Donghyuck departs the country his extended family decide to visit and surprise him with a nice dinner at a nice restaurant in the centre of the neighbourhood. Donghyuck is sure his Grandad just organised it as another excuse to get drunk (and everyone wonders where Donghyuck gets it from). Mark is in attendance of course playing the dutiful boyfriend role once more. He’s wearing matching grey dress pants and waistcoat paired with a white shirt. The look definitely doesn’t do things to Donghyuck’s insides, nope not at all, nothing to see there.

The dinner goes by in a blur of good food and clandestine hand holding under the table, Donghyuck’s Aunt takes a particular liking to Mark and to be completely honest Mark gets on with her really well. Donghyuck isn’t best pleased however when they try to gang up on him together to embarrass him. Mark brings his phone out to show Donghyuck’s Aunt the photos Mark loves to take of Donghyuck smothering his cheeks in kisses,

“Look, just look how much he likes me!” Donghyuck’s aunt coos loudly at the slightly blurry image on the screen in front of her trying to draw attention from the other diners. This catches Donghyuck’s attention and he whips his head round narrowing his eyes at his boyfriend.

“What are you showing her?” Mark just laughs while bringing his phone to his chest,

“Nothing, not a God damn thing” Donghyuck rightfully doesn’t trust Mark’s words considering he’s about thirty seconds from wetting himself from laughter and dives into Mark to grab the phone. They tussle for it but ultimately Donghyuck’s extensive experience of torturing Chenle pays off and a swift jab to Mark’s ribs distracts him enough to loosen his tight grip on the phone thus giving Donghyuck the chance to snatch it. Donghyuck looks triumphant but his lips purse and his face turns beet red when he sees the image on the screen. Donghyuck can’t even think of a response so he just narrows his eyes at Mark and returns to eating his food, not before slapping Mark’s hand away when he tries to grab Donghyuck’s fingers making Mark cackle at the state of turmoil he had put his boyfriend in. Later Mark tries to apologise by feeding Donghyuck dessert, but it only ends in giggling and flapping arms as Mark tries to force the spoon into Donghyuck’s mouth whilst simultaneously spitting ‘ _Accept my love you little shit!”_ from his mouth.

Mark thinks it’s over but he clearly doesn’t know Donghyuck as well as he thought he did because half way though Mark’s drunken rendition of ‘If You Like Pina Coladas’ on the walk home Donghyuck pushes Mark into a bush and condescendingly announces ‘That’s what you get Mark Lee _’_ and proceeds to stalk off with his head held high in victory.   

XXX

 

It’s two days before Donghyuck is due to get on his plane and of course like any normal young adults Donghyuck and his friends were celebrating with frequenting their beloved Camel one last time with Donghyuck hoping the night would bring him the much-needed memories that would get him through the inevitable bouts of homesickness he would endure in the coming months. That’s what Donghyuck hoped for anyway, but since when do things go right for sun kissed boy?

Donghyuck had been enjoying himself, dancing and singing with friends old and new and was basically attached to Renjun’s hip the whole night. It was only after an hour or so that he realised that he hadn’t seen Mark in a while and as such decided to go on a valiant quest to find his love. Now Camel is small, and it doesn’t take long for Donghyuck to circle the establishment twice to no avail, he huffed out a small sound of defeat and a pout began to form on his face. He decided to go outside for some fresh air and collect himself and ended up spotting a familiar face in the crowd,

“Jeno!” Jeno turned to the sound of his name being called to find Donghyuck stood right beside him. Donghyuck couldn’t decipher the look on Jeno’s face due to the copious amount of alcohol he had consumed but it didn’t look like a ‘happy to see you’ kind of face and Donghyuck was perplexed.

“Hey, what’s up Hyuck?” Jeno questioned as he turned his body to fully face the other boy.

“Have you seen Mark, I can’t find him anywhere” Donghyuck looked dejected and Jeno could feel the disappointment just radiating off his person.

“Oh, he left to go somewhere with Jaemin like half an hour ago, he said he’d be back though.”

Donghyuck didn’t reply, he just stood there in shock. Mark had bailed on him so close to his departure to spend time Jaemin. Jaemin of all people. The one and only Jaemin that said he found Mark cute a couple of months ago. The same Jaemin that Mark knew had a crush on him. Donghyuck’s heart and blood vessels went into overdrive coursing hot jealousy through his veins. His head stopped and span simultaneously with thoughts of Mark and Jaemin together, Jaemin was always so clingy when he was drunk and who knows what they were up to. Repetitive thoughts swirled round Donghyuck’s head as the ever-familiar cold weight spread through his torso, _‘You knew this would happen’, ‘Why would Mark ever want to really be with you?’, ‘You’re nothing’, ‘You’re a joke’._ Donghyuck was having an internal battle leading to him almost having a panic attack before the anger took over. Donghyuck turned just in time to see the offending duo rounding the corner to the club courtyard laughing together with their arms intertwined. Donghyuck is angry but doesn’t want to lose control. His tone is cold as he addresses Mark,

“Where have you been?” Mark sensed a shift in atmosphere and slowly disentangled himself from Jaemin.

“We went to go buy some gum, that vodka I got tasted like shit” he said while awkwardly laughing to try lighten the mood however Donghyuck was still rigid with anger and Jeno and Jaemin had already backed away sensing the incoming storm.

Donghyuck snorted, “For half an hour?” Mark’s own anger began to permeate his being, his brows furrowed, and his jaw clenched,

“What exactly are you accusing me of Donghyuck?” Donghyuck just silently stared into Mark’s eyes with a burning fire trying to silently convey that, firstly getting gum didn’t really sound plausible, secondly it shouldn’t take thirty minutes to get said imaginary gum from the shop next door, and thirdly that Donghyuck was hurt to his core that Mark didn’t want to spend every moment he could with his boyfriend that was leaving in a matter of hours to spend six months, possibly more, away from him.

But Donghyuck was drunk and overwhelmed with emotion and couldn’t even begin to verbalise those thoughts into coherent words and more importantly he was embarrassed. Embarrassed that Mark means so much to him but seemingly Donghyuck means so little to the other. So instead, Donghyuck lets out the tight breath he was holding walking to stand directly in front of Mark looking at him dead in the eye, “Enjoy your gum” And with that Donghyuck shoved passed Mark knocking their shoulders together forcefully with tears begging to escape the corners of his eyes, fists still in tight balls at his sides. He rounded the corner to try collect himself out of the prying eyes of the courtyard only to hear Mark angrily announce he was ‘Not dealing with this anymore’.

 _‘Yeah, that’s what I thought.’_ and the tears began to flow.

XXX

 

Donghyuck had only left his house for the night out a mere two hours ago but he was back already, make-up removed, pyjamas on, hidden under covers of his bed. He’s stopped sobbing and had resigned himself to silently letting the tears fall sporadically over his cheeks when he heard the distinct sound of the front door opening and the hushed voice of his Aunt.

“You better get upstairs and fix it” Donghyuck knows she can only be talking to Mark and his body tenses under the sheets as he hears the progressive increase in volume of footsteps creeping up the staircase towards his room. A wave of dread and embarrassment mix to cover Donghyuck’s body in a negative sheet warming him, he’s embarrassed for losing his cool yet again and dreading what Mark is going to say to him after the comment he heard him make when Mark thought Donghyuck was out of ear-shot. Donghyuck is very afraid that his relationship is over, and he grips even tighter to his sheets and holds his breath as he hears the door softly open and close with the shuffling of feet coming to a stop at the side of Donghyuck’s bed.  

Donghyuck can feel the tension and shuffles across the mattress without removing his head from the covers, even though the room is dark, Donghyuck wasn’t about to let Mark see his terrified face. Mark sits in the space he presumes has been forged for him and tentatively puts his hand on the Donghyuck shaped lump under the covers. Neither of the males want to break the silence, so they don’t. Time stills and rushes all at once with words unspoken until Mark whispers “I’m sorry” into the room. Donghyuck untenses his frame a little and lets out a small whine before quietly speaking,

“It was my fault” Donghyuck is shaking a little trying to cover the sobs that want to escape, “I shouldn’t have been jealous that you were with someone else, you don’t need to be at my side all the time” Mark sighs and lets Donghyuck continue, “It’s just that our time together is precious, I leave in a day, I was just being selfish and wanting you to myself until then. Sorry.”

Mark forgoes verbal response in favour of slipping under the covers fully dressed covering himself fully, to mirror Donghyuck’s position. Donghyuck can’t look at him, his eyes transfixed on the buttons of his lover’s shirt. Mark tentatively finds Donghyuck’s fingers connecting each pad of his tips with the corresponding pads of his own and leaves a lingering kiss on Donghyuck’s forehead as an apology.

“Hey” He whispers. Donghyuck’s eyes slowly meet Marks,

“What?”

“I can’t breathe under here”

“Good” Donghyuck deadpans. Mark is scandalised at the retort, but knowing Donghyuck doesn’t like to show his weak side for long he plays the role he’s needed to at that point, aka offended boyfriend,

“You little shit!” he hears a little giggle from Donghyuck and takes it as a cue to literally push Donghyuck out of bed while laughing, “I’ll give you good!”

A little while later Mark is asleep next to Donghyuck blowing soft steady breaths against Donghyuck’s lips. Donghyuck gently brushes Mark’s hair away from his eyes whilst deep in thought.

“It’s a good job I love you” He whispers in to the sleeping air before turning on his side, away from Mark, to attempt to fall into his own deep slumber.

XXX

 

The day finally arrives, and Mark stands outside the train station with Donghyuck in his hold once more. Donghyuck is tightly squished but manages to release a few words,

“We’re gonna video call twice a week yeah?” Mark only hums in response and digs his chin into the top of Donghyuck’s head even further if that’s even possible, “And you’ll message me all the time?” Mark hums once more, “And you won’t forget about me, will you?” Mark pushes Donghyuck from his embrace gripping his biceps and looks into Donghyuck’s eyes with intensity, declaring “Never” with the most conviction he has ever used in his life, before pulling Donghyuck right back in. They stand for a few seconds just soaking in each other’s essence.

“I have to go” Donghyuck quietly announces. Mark let’s out a depressive sigh and loosens his hold to firmly press his lips against Donghyuck’s in a desperate attempt to memorise their taste.

“I’ll miss you Donghyuck”

“I’ll miss you too Mark”

And with that, Donghyuck picked up his dickhead rucksack and wandered into the station leaving Mark to stare after his figure, sluggishly waving back when Donghyuck had turned to him for the final time before disappearing. If Mark cried when he got home, his mum was the only one to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are appreciated, it gives all writers motivation to continue.
> 
> How will it end?


	11. Endings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: This is the chapter where the mental health and suicide tags come in to fruition. 
> 
> I don't really know what else to say.

Donghyuck and Renjun safely arrived at Renjun’s family friend’s apartment in Bangkok, not without taking seven thousand airport selfies and Jaemin trying to facetime them every three seconds (He was just bitter he couldn’t go with them). Donghyuck was having a great time taking in all the sights and culture, and despite being jetlagged to shit he would still wake up in the early hours of the morning to try and video chat with Mark, today was one of those days.

Donghyuck had snuggled himself on the beanbag chair situated on the balcony in an attempt to not wake any of the apartments occupants. The view was breath-taking, the rising sun peeking through the reflective skyscrapers mixing with the cooling morning breeze. He pressed a few buttons on his phone and he could see his own giddy smile and ruffled bed hair reflecting back at him whilst dialling. He waited. He waited some more. No answer. His smile faded, he checked the time. It was definitely the time they had agreed to video call, Donghyuck was disappointed and disheartened. He waited another ten minutes and tried again, but there was still no answer. There was no answer for the hole hour he had spent outside trying to contact his beloved Mark. This wasn’t the first time this had happened though and once again Donghyuck couldn’t hold back the tears. He felt dejected and unwanted, like all his fears about Mark forgetting about him had come true. He let the tears fall with silent but shaky breaths but gathered himself quickly to venture back inside, there was a country to be discovered and he needed to get dressed before Renjun beat him for being late. He walked back into his and Renjun’s shared room to see Renjun sorting through his belongings,

“Did Mark say something sappy as usual?” Donghyuck was confused and cocked his head to the side.

“What do you mean?”

“Well you always come back from your video calls on the verge of tears, I’m guessing it’s because he does something gross to make you miss him”

Donghyuck froze and sucked in a sharp breath. He hadn’t told Renjun that he had never actually managed to get through to Mark in the whole two weeks they had been away and would come back from the balcony after a long period of time with red rimmed eyes and sticky cheeks because he felt rejected. So, he put on a robotic smile and turned from Renjun to mask his insincerity,

“Oh, yeah you know what boys are like” letting out a soft but somewhat lifeless chuckle, “Anyway, I’m off in the shower” he ran away before Renjun could question anything.

The trip carried on in a similar way, Donghyuck losing sleep to try catch glimpses of his lover’s face in the tiny phone screen and Mark apologising citing work as reasons to miss their precious calls. Donghyuck didn’t really cry over it anymore and just felt numb about the whole situation, he had bigger things to worry about at that time. He was six weeks into his trip and was seriously considering ending his travels there, he loved seeing all the sights that Thailand, Cambodia, and Laos had to offer but he was starting to become seriously ill. It had started in his fourth week, he’d throw up after every meal and had zero energy opting to leave Renjun to explore on his own while he rested in bed more often than not. He began hallucinating not knowing what was real and what wasn’t, and the weight loss was evident in his loose clothing. He couldn’t go on, he wasn’t happy, and he was drained. He’d spoken to Renjun about his thoughts on going home considering the trip might actually kill him, but it didn’t exactly go to plan.

“What do you mean you want to go home?” Renjun seemed almost angry and this took Donghyuck by surprise. He averted his gaze and his voice became small,

“I want to go home” Donghyuck felt like he was being scolded but because of his confused mental state he couldn’t verbalise exactly what he wanted. He wanted to say that there were days he physically couldn’t move and was afraid to leave his bed because he would hear voices and have vivid dreams he couldn’t tell were real or not. He didn’t know what was happening and needed to be at home to deal with it. But Renjun was oblivious to all this.

“Well what the fuck am I going to do? You’re being selfish right now”

Renjun might not have said that if he had known the whole truth but what was said was said and Donghyuck had seen a new side of him, one he didn’t like, and it only confirmed Donghyuck’s wanting more and so he began figuring out how to get home. Not without giving a cold stare in Renjun’s direction and silently leaving the room.

Despite it clearly not being the situation Donghyuck had expected, he was abandoning his travel plans and was currently not speaking to Renjun unless absolutely necessary, Donghyuck tried to grasp onto the small ray of hope he had. Mark. He was going to try and surprise Mark and turn this whole shit storm into something positive. He messaged Mark’s mum asking for his work schedule explaining that he was planning on surprising Mark trying to make the best out of a bad situation and she was thrilled, she had always liked Donghyuck. Donghyuck booked his flight for seven days’ time while imagining all the ways he was going to smother Mark with affection, he was so excited but determined to keep a secret for once. That night was the first time in a few weeks that he had slept soundly without being plagued by realistic nightmares, but his bubble deflated a bit in the morning when once again his attempts to contact the elder were left unanswered.

XXX

 

It’s three days before his scheduled flight and it’s one of the rare occasions that Mark is seemingly free to message Donghyuck. Donghyuck heard the characteristic ping of his phone and immediately bolted upright from his bed in his excited state, they hadn’t been able to talk as much as Donghyuck thought they would have over the whole trip but Donghyuck didn’t mind so much knowing he’d be able to do more than video chat or message Mark in three days’ time. He was back on his cloud of love floating above the Earth. His phone pinged another two times before Donghyuck could open the chat.

 

Mark:

I can’t believe I’m going to have to do this. Just remember you’re an amazing boy and nothing can change that, but I can’t make this work.

I don’t know what else to tell you, but I can’t be with you the way you want to be with me anymore.

I’m sorry.  

 

It was short, concise, and to the point, essays would clearly be the boys forte. Donghyuck couldn’t breathe. His head was rushed with blood, his cheeks were on fire whilst the rest of his body was frozen. He re-read the messages to make sure what he was reading was correct, but it only made his nauseas feeling worse before his eyes welled up and he began shaking. He didn’t know what to do, his fingers moved on their own.

 

Donghyuck:

You’re kidding right [07:06]

Tell me it’s a joke [07:07]

Why aren’t you replying [07:10]

Mark [07:11]

Please don’t do this to me [07:13]

I can’t do this without you [07:13]

Mark [07:15]

I love you [07:15]

 

 All of Donghyuck’s messages were read but not responded to, Mark blocked Donghyuck after he professed his love for the other for the first time. Donghyuck’s body was numb, he doesn’t remember much of what happened after that, all he could feel was immense pain and sorrow to go along with the fire that was burning in his throat from the violent sobs that were pulling themselves freely from his chest. What a way to be woken up.

Thoughts swirled around his head, he felt stupid, and child-like for some reason. He soon realised that he had nothing left. He was going home to no job, no boyfriend, no Renjun, and no happiness. _‘What’s the point? I have nothing and no one. Everyone just leaves in the end. What’s wrong with me? I can’t do this anymore.’_ Donghyuck was sure he was going insane, being swallowed by negative thoughts and hallucinations didn’t help. He was convinced that the thoughts that no one cared about him were true, he’d been thinking them for months. _‘No one would miss me’._

Donghyuck pulled himself from his bed, tears still being accompanied by small whimpers as he runs himself a bath. He just stood in front of it staring at the water forcing its self from the taps, one thought circling its way around his head _‘No one would miss me’._ He shut the water off and stepped in to the tub fully dressed. He’s no longer crying at this point, he had pulled himself together with a fierce determination crossing his features. He sits for a moment in contemplation before forcing his head under the water in a swift rapid movement screwing his eyes shut as he did. His hands grip the side of the tub as if his life depends on it. He internally screams at himself willing himself to open his mouth and let everything just end.

But he can’t. He can’t open his mouth. He can’t make things just stop.

He burst through the surface spilling water all over the floor, gasping for air. It took a moment for his heartbeat to register and the panic to fade and when it does Donghyuck just sits, the cold water stilling around his limbs. He cries. He’s not sure why. It could be desperation, it could be because he’s failed at yet another thing, who knows. He just sits and cries.  

Donghyuck had a secret he hadn’t revealed to anyone expect Renjun and Jaemin. It wasn’t because he was ashamed, it was because he didn’t want to be treated differently. He just wanted to get on with things and be himself again. He wanted to be happy. His depression had officially been diagnosed after the Johnny incident but the precursor signs were all there for a long time. The pressure he would put on himself, thinking he was never enough, dropping the one interest that he actually used to enjoy. After the Johnny thing things only got worse. He had begun to put all his worth in other people so when what happened happened he couldn’t deal with it. He missed all his lectures because his education was meaningless to him now, he stopped eating because he didn’t see the point and it was too much effort, and the only activities he took part in were sleeping and drinking because they were both escapes. He told himself he enjoyed the other worlds they could offer despite rarely remembering them, they had to be better than reality though right? He was hoping the trip would do him good but falling ill meant he was withdrawing from his antidepressants and it only served to confuse his brain and make things worse. In Donghyuck’s eyes all the trip did was ruin his life and permanently scar his friendship with Renjun. The ‘whole truth’ was that he had been feeling suicidal due to the withdrawal from his antidepressants and to Donghyuck it was unforgiveable for Renjun to care more about his own travel plans than Donghyuk’s life. Though in reality Renjun didn’t know he was feeling this way.  

He cried the morning that he left for home, he cried on the plane too, but when he flopped back down on his own bed after 36 hours of travelling he was too tired to cry and just slept.


	12. Disappointment Is The Mother of New Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in a day... this is new level of productivity! Enjoy!

Donghyuck woke up to find Chenle’s face lying right next to his, breathing out forceful puffs of air that shook his fringe as he slept. He looks peaceful. He looks how Donghyuck wants to feel. It was oddly reminiscent of the past and Donghyuck could sense the parallels. He’s once again heartbroken but this time it’s different. He’s still ill and he couldn’t fully comprehend what had happened. He knew he felt numb and lifeless and he was no longer with Mark, but it just felt so dream like. His body felt light and bouncy and his head was in a constant fog. Donghyuck’s movements must have woken Chenle up because Donghyuck turned to find him staring at him, again with sorrow and again with concern. Donghyuck just leaned towards him so the younger boy could rest his head on his arm. Donghyuck knew Chenle would know what had happened because he was beast friends with Mark’s brother, so no words were needed, but Chenle averting his gaze from Donghyuk’s face and broke the silence anyway.

“He didn’t have to kiss his ex, I don’t know why he would do that to you.” Donghyuck stopped breathing momentarily. This was new information, but Donghyuck was so numb and fogged up he could barely process the meaning of his brother’s words meaning that was the only reaction he could give. What would knowing that change? It wouldn’t fix anything, he would still be alone, so who cares really? He just remained silent removing his arm from under Chenle’s head and turned to face away from him to stare at the wall.

Donghyuck was miserable for weeks, he was not only struggling with his change in relationship status but also his physical and mental health. Before he made any progress, he lost even more weight and had to restart his antidepressants. He didn’t bother telling anyone what he had done whilst he was away. People wouldn’t understand, and they’d definitely treat him differently, and he already felt different enough. Jaemin would always come around to just sit with Donghyuck showing silent support or drag him out of bed, even if it was just down the street to the shop to pick up some snacks. Things eventually evened out when his medication started working again. He was still somewhat of a mess underneath his outer casing of societal normalcy, but that was normal for Donghyuck anyway, so he was okay.

He was eventually persuaded by Jaemin to celebrate his 22nd birthday in some way and get out and do something, anything. Donghyuck mainly agreed because he didn’t want to hurt Jaemin by being a constant killjoy and recluse, plus he’d made a lot of progress and wanted to get some sort of life back. He ended up only going to the pub, but he was happy with that, it seemed to fit him more now that he’d calmed down a bit in his old age. It was just him and Jaemin though, no Renjun, that scar had still yet to heal. They were stood waiting for to order drinks at the bar when it happened. Donghyuck heard a familiar voice coming from behind him,

“Excuse me” Mark barged his way through the small gap between Donghyuck and Jaemin without even glancing in Donghyuck’s direction. Marks hand was intertwined with that of an oblivious girl who just smiled in their direction as an almost apology. Donghyuck thinks it’s not her fault, plus it’s probably punishment enough she’s dating someone like Mark, no need to cause a scene.

Donghyuck’s sorrow about the breakup had recently turned to feelings of resentment and disgust that Mark could behave like that and not even have the balls to tell him face-to-face that he had kissed someone else while he was away. The pathetic bitch didn’t even have the balls to tell him at all, he’d found out from his own brother. ‘ _Pussy’._ He was disappointed he was fooled into loving someone without morals and loyalty. Donghyuck subconsciously moved his eyes towards the direction in which Mark was headed only to find Jeno was already looking directly at him with that weird face again. Donghyuck needed air and told Jaemin he was just nipping outside for a minute. He was suffocating in there. Was there really nowhere else for these people to go? It’s his birthday for Christ’s sake, cut him some slack.

He was stood outside with his hands shoved in his jeans’ pockets kicking his shoes across the concrete when he heard a loud sigh, he lifted his head to see Jeno leant against the wall next to him looking at the ground with his arms folded across his chest.

“I don’t know why he did it… you didn’t deserve that.” Donghyuck just hums and places his gaze back to his shoes knowing exactly what Jeno is referring to, “After he kissed her back in December I told him to tell you and I was so pissed when I found out that he hadn’t. Then he went and slept with her while you were away.” Jeno was pushing his words out with clear frustration and disappointment, maybe some anger was thrown in there too, Donghyuck couldn’t tell. This was once again new information to Donghyuck. “I just don’t even know what to say to you, I should have told you but he’s my best friend man” Jeno sighs again pushing himself off the wall with his shoulders, he turned his whole body to face Donghyuck, who was still looking at the ground so Jeno wouldn’t see the disappointment written all over his face. Jeno just whispers an ‘I’m sorry’ and heads back inside while Donghyuck is paralysed by heartbreak all over again. The hot tears hit the pavement as he walked away from the pub, he didn’t even tell Jaemin he was going, he just needed to leave. He had other things on his mind anyway.

It’s not that he had doubts about what Jeno had said, but Donghyuck needed to hear it from the source, he needed closure of some sort. He’d gone home and let the tears fall, he wasn’t sobbing and there weren’t any uneven breaths, they were just falling like an automated reaction from a machine. He dialled a number on his phone not knowing whether it would go through or not. He was shocked when it started ringing and realised he had no idea what he was going to say, but it’s too late and someone on the other end has already picked up.

“Hello?”

“Mark?” the line stays silent. Donghyuck knows that voice, he wants answers, so he just dives in, “Did you kiss her before I’d even left the country?” Only silence and soft breathing answers so Donghyuck continued, “Did you sleep with her while I was away?” This time there’s only two beats of silence before Mark speaks, a snide scoff lacing through his words.

“You’re crazy Donghyuck.” Donghyuck just sighed and looked at the fingers on the free hand in his lap.

“Yeah, sounds about right” he hung up the phone not giving Mark any more of his time than needed. He got his answers.

Donghyuck isn’t even angry, he’s just disappointed. Disappointed he wasted all this time fawning over someone that didn’t even really exist, disappointed that he poured his efforts into a relationship that was doomed to fail, and more importantly to Donghyuck he was disappointed in himself for not calling out Mark’s shit while they were still together. He speaks into the empty darkness letting the universe hear his declaration, letting the Gods and Devils know his words,

“You know what, I’m done.” And he meant it, he was done.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments make me feel like I'm not just talking to myself. 
> 
> What will Donghyuck do?!


	13. Out With The Mundane, In With The New

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I added another chapter, firstly because I'm white and British and therefore fairly superstitious and I refuse to have 13 chapters, secondly because I realised that the original last part of this chapter will be more of an epilogue and therefore I don't think it fits well within this chapter. 
> 
> Sorry for making you wait.

It was March and back in September Donghyuck had found himself a new job quite far away from the town he called home, though can you call somewhere that held so many painful reminders of your past a home? Donghyuck wasn’t so sure anymore. So, decided to give himself a fresh start and branch out. He’d managed to settle into his new apartment quite well, it was nothing fancy, but he’d made himself a little haven of twinkling fairy lights and green houseplants and he was happy with it. He would still awkwardly return the smiles his neighbours gave him, but he would accept the food that the grandmas would leave outside his door after a long day at work with a smile now, reminding himself to pick up flowers for whoever left it for him this time. They all knew he lived alone and had moved to a place where he didn’t really know anyone, it was evident from the lack of visitors, so they all wanted to make sure he was okay. It was just their nature, Donghyuck found it sweet.  

Since he moved and now had a space to really call his own, away from the invasive but loveable banshee that was Chenle, Donghyuck had been able to concentrate on ‘fixing’ himself as he liked to call it (I prefer finding himself, but we aren’t going to argue). He had started to put real effort into focusing on improving his mental health, he could have asked for help from professionals and that works for some people, but deep down Donghyuck knew himself. He knew for real change to happen he had to do this on his own, he couldn’t articulate why, the closest he could come to it was that if he could ‘fix’ himself from within, his happiness would come from within also eradicating the need to rely on others for happiness in the future. He read so many self-help books on depression and self-confidence, and because of his degree in Psychology he knew the general basics of how to change hut also knew that only relying on one authors method wasn’t ideal so took the parts of different books he found useful and tried applying them to his daily life. It was working for the most part, he was taking better care of himself physically eating properly and exercising when his schedule would allow, he was even starting to be more social and going out on dates. Donghyuck was trying to help himself, and he was in every aspect of his life apart from that of relationships. They were still somewhat tricky.

Without realising, he was forcing himself to try and like the guys who would ask him out (he never found one he wanted to ask himself), even if they clearly weren’t right for him, simply because it was ‘normal’ to date. It was an unwritten rule of modern society that you must be in a relationship to be truly happy and Donghyuck had bought into it hook line and sinker. But he never really liked any of these guys and just tried to please them (even if he wasn’t necessarily pleasing himself) until they got bored of him being so clingy. And that’s when Donghyuck would fall down, rejection is always painful but especially so for Donghyuck when he would put so much effort into making the other person happy only for it to fall apart. He was never really bothered by losing the person, which would seem odd to other people, but not to Donghyuck. His focus was more internal, he couldn’t understand why no one wanted him, it never really occurred to him that he should want them too.

It seemed like Donghyuck was trying to fill a void that a lack of self-love had left in him. In fact, it took several of these cycles to begin to realise that maybe the most important type of love was self-love and constantly trying to put a square peg in a round hole with the romantic attention of others maybe wasn’t the right thing to do. But people are creatures of habit and as such Donghyuck would often go back to internalising any relationship breakdown into self-doubt more often than not.

He was currently texting Jaemin about his latest romantic escapade.

 

Donghyuck:

I just don’t get it ☹

Why do they all leave me

 

Jaemin:

I dunno

 

Donghyuck:

I think there’s something wrong with me

 

Jaemin:

Hmm

 

 _‘What the fuck, what’s wrong with this guy?’_ Donghyuck could tell Jaemin was being weird and his automatic instinct was to be defensive. Jaemin had been acting weird ever since he had moved away but Donghyuck hadn’t really addressed it because he was so busy setting up his apartment and settling down and trying to make new friends at the same time as reading his books.

 

Donghyuck:

Is there a problem?

 

The three dots of fate kept appearing and disappearing for several moments, this raised Donghyuck’s heart rate somewhat because if his past experiences were anything to go by, this was not a good sign.

 

Jaemin:

Tbh I’m just sick of you whining all the time

I don’t want to hear it anymore

 

‘ _Erm what?’_ Donghyuck felt hot and the anger within him was coming to the surface, resting mostly over his cheekbones. How dare Jaemin say that? Especially when Donghyuck had been there for him through all his own breakups over the years, all the times he needed someone in the middle of the night, Donghyuck even helped Jaemin through his own mental health problems. Who the fuck did Jaemin think he was to take everything he could get from Donghyuck and be pissed that he had to give something back in a relationship? Jaemin had changed and Donghyuck could clearly see it now, just because Jaemin was in a mundane relationship now doing mundane couple things and was satisfied with his mundane job and life didn’t mean Donghyuck had to be satisfied with being stuck in a dead-end town not seeing what else the world had to offer. Apparently because Jaemin’s life was fine meant that no one else’s problems mattered. Something in Donghyuck snapped right at that moment he had had enough of living his life to please everyone else. His breath became deeper and faster as his fingers ghosted the keyboard.

 

Donghyuck:

Well don’t

 

Jaemin:

Cool

 

It might have seemed harsh to some people but Donghyuck cut all ties with Jaemin after that. It had taken him until that moment to realise that Jaemin had begun to put Donghyuck down for everything he did. Donghyuck wanted a job far away from home _‘Well what about me?’,_ Donghyuck started dating someone new and the only response would be _‘Again?’_ , Jaemin’s response to Donghyuck buying a new self-help book ‘ _Why are you wasting your money on those?’_. At the time Donghyuck would brush it off as concern but now he could see that Jaemin only served to question why Donghyuck was trying to better himself at every opportunity the other could find.

It was then that he decided he wasn’t going to wait around or people-please anymore. What was the point, where would it get him? It was his life and he was going to live it how he wanted, and so he started planning.

XXX

 

It was five days before Donghyuck’s 23rd birthday and he was wondering around the too brightly lit stores in the airport departure area, weaving his way through the hoard of people _. ‘Why do people need shitty magnets anyway?’_.

After the whole ordeal with Jaemin, Donghyuck had made real progress within himself, he had finally managed to realise some very important things. Firstly, friends are not friends if they try and censor your happiness and growth out of fear of being left behind, they’re just selfish people who just use you to make themselves feel better, and that is not friendship. Secondly, there isn’t anything wrong with being single. Being single just means you haven’t found the right person to give your heart to and Donghyuck had acquired the mindset that the chances of finding your soulmate living ten minutes down the street (never mind in the same city) were slim to none, and anyone that just settled for something mundane to avoid being alone was in Donghyuck’s eyes wasting the precious time they had on this earth and were, for lack of a better word, insane. You can very much find happiness on your own. And thirdly, that time waits for no man. It had taken him losing many people from his life to realise that you don’t have to share everything with someone, some things can be for yourself alone and as such you shouldn’t wait for other people to go experience the things you want to experience. It’s valid to do that alone, besides it might take a lifetime to find someone who wants to experience the same things you do and who says you have a whole lifetime to wait? Other people don’t get the luxury of time, where’s the guarantee that Donghyuck would? He also began to believe we should experience things for those who would never get the chance, it’s a slap in the face for those who don’t get the opportunity. It’s like not voting in a democratic society when so many people live under dictatorship living a life they didn’t ask for.   

And that’s how he had ended up booking a two-week trip by himself to New Zealand for his birthday. He was pushing his way passed a particularly garishly neon dressed individual (Why people buy ugly clothes specifically for travelling on planes Donghyuck could never comprehend, ‘ _We’re literally just flying, we don’t lose the use of our eyes because of it’_ ) when something brightly coloured caught his eye. It was like everything within Donghyuck had gone into slow motion while everything about him had become sped up. He was in his own little bubble and just stood there looking at it from afar chewing his bottom lip and creasing his brow in concentration. Before he knew it, he was standing directly in front of the object, his fingers twitching at his sides eager to reach out and touch. People would have probably called him crazy for staring at this yellow instant camera the way he was. He was looking at it the way a male lead looks at the female lead when he’s debating whether or not to finally confess. But in Donghyuck’s defence he did used to be in love with photography, so it was similar to seeing an old lover he had tried to forget. He was stood in contemplation still gnawing at his lip when he heard the announcement for his flight, his head shot up with his mouth agape in realisation. It was now or never, he looked back down at the object with a new-found fire in his eyes and excited grin on his face. He grabbed it, not once looking back at the display, only looking for the closest cashier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, comments, kudos, and [CC](https://curiouscat.me/Pandabrows)'s very much appreciated, I always try to reply.


	14. I No Longer Need You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you have enjoyed the whole story, please feel free to share your feelings in the comments. 
> 
> The notes at the end are really important to me, so if you could look at them it would mean a lot. 
> 
> I also made a [twitter](https://twitter.com/PandaBrows) if interested. It's where my au lives and will probably announce the Mark centric version and other things.

Years have passed since that life changing trip to New Zealand. Buying that camera was possibly the best decision Donghyuck had made in his entire life. He often contemplates what his life would be like now if he hadn’t turned and seen in that yellow piece of plastic at the airport that day. Things would be so different now. He’s currently sat in modern three bed high rise apartment overlooking the beautiful city lights of Seoul. He’d moved in only a year ago, but it felt like home more than anywhere else in the world he had ever been. The never sleeping people and heavily contrasting seasons were what Donghyuck liked the most. It was also one of the best places he could be for his job as well, with it becoming a major centre for arts, fashion, and culture without showing any signs that the intrigue of the rest of the world was going anywhere any time soon.

Whilst in New Zealand four years ago he had become enthralled with learning about the intricacies of the Maori culture (he did have his degree in psychology after all) and began to capture the everyday life of a culture that people might never get to see. His focus was on the people, telling their stories through his lens, capturing the things that you don’t get to see as a tourist. He was like an invisible observer capturing memories, after all photos are all that remain when the people are gone. The trip had changed something within him and when he went back home afterwards, to his office job, he just wasn’t satisfied. He knew that it wasn’t right. He wanted more.

And he eventually got it. He had been using all his vacation days to travel abroad to interesting and far-away lands capturing the stories its people told along the way. He’d always try and talk to them and find out about their lives too, the photography was just a by-product of his interactions. He was scouted by a photography firm in Seoul and didn’t even have to think twice about moving so far away when they offered a job at the firm, he’d been there once before and loved it. It took him a while to work his way up but that was only expected, but his raw talent for really capturing someone’s soul on film was undeniable and as such his work paid off. He’d make most of his money doing shoots for magazines and the like but Donghyuck didn’t mind, he still got to travel and learn stories of different people in his free time (and sometimes for work).

That’s how he ended up where he is now. Waiting outside Seoul station for a very special arrival. For some reason he had seen him before hearing him for once and Donghyuck just smiled, chest warming over when their eyes finally met. Chenle was here for a very special reason.

“Oh, it’s so good to see you!” Chenle said while literally squeezing the life out of Donghyuck.

“Well I guess it’s not bad to see you either” Donghyuck replied, Chenle didn’t even have to look at his face to see the smirk. The embrace ended after that with Chenle making a faux offended facial expression.

“Are we going to your place first?” Donghyuck’s face morphed into a grin Chenle had never seen before, his mouth wide and eyes sparkling, the sun and stars would be jealous if they caught him.

“No, I have somewhere better” Chenle was clearly confused but let Donghyuck drag him away somewhere unknown anyway, hoping he wasn’t going to get his organs harvested or something as one of Donghyuck’s infamous pranks.

XXX

 

“Where the fuck are we?” Chenle was clearly panicked, it had been around a forty-five-minute drive from where they had set off and they had entered what seemed to be some deserted industrial estate. Chenle had been an adult for several years now but this place didn’t look inviting in the dark and he most definitely was not comfortable being here, he turned to Donghyuck the panic written all over his face “You’re taking my organs, aren’t you?” he deadpanned. Donghyuck furrowed his brows and parted his lips,

“What the fuck? What do you think I do for a living Chenle! I know I don’t talk about work much, but I wasn’t lying when I said I was a photographer you tit” Donghyuck groaned as Chenle moved around in his seat clearly dissatisfied at being told he was wrong. “Get out of the car you absolute imbecile” Chenle only huffed in response while opening the car door slipping out into the cold night air, a cool breeze running its fingers through his hair.

Donghyuck was already stood outside of a door that appeared to be the back entrance to some abandoned warehouse, fiddling with some keys. Yes, it’s true that most places in Seoul have keypads now but this place was old, and as such hadn’t caught up with the technology boom that the rest of Seoul had been a part of for many years. His fingers were numbing from the cold but eventually he heard the characteristic click of the lock and turned to Chenle with that sun and star stealing beam again.

“Stop smiling like that, it’s creeping me out” Donghyuck just retorted with some not so nice words making Chenle giggle. It was just like old times.

They both walked into a large dark space, Chenle could tell it was a space of mainly concrete just from the cold radiating from the walls and the echo of their steps. Donghyuck ran off clearly knowing where he was going leaving Chenle to fend for himself in the darkness. He didn’t know what he was expecting to find when he removed his fingers from in front of his eyes protecting himself from the blinking strip lighting that had now come fully to life, but it wasn’t this.

The walls were covered. Covered in simple but beautifully framed photos. Photos of Donghyuck’s past. He could make out photos of Donghyuck with Renjun, Jaemin, some people he had never seen before and what looked like that Johnny dude from so many years ago. They were all photos that seemed to capture a beautiful snapshot of time. Some depicted scenes of joy, some playfulness, and some love. All the photos contained Donghyuck and someone who was important to him at some point in his life. Chenle span silent and slow in the middle of the room. It was silent for what felt like a lifetime until Donghyuck smashed through it with his bell like voice. He seemed somewhat nervous about Chenle’s review, he was wringing his hands with an unsure smile crossing his lips, little wrinkles could be seen in the space between his brows if you stood close enough.

“Well, what do you think?” Chenle snapped his head towards the question. His face morphed into one of confusion and hurt. Donghyuck immediately sucked in a breath in anticipation.

“I’m not in any of them. Do you really hate me that much?” Donghyuck burst out laughing in relief which only served to anger Chenle forcing him to make balls out of his fists at his sides. Donghyuck stalked over to Chenle with his eyes still thin lines from laughing and slapped him on the shoulder.

“You idiot, do you not see what all these people have in common?” Chenle remained both silent and confused, “They’re all the people in my life that hurt me dumbass, the whole exhibition is titled ‘I No Longer Need you’” realisation crossed over Chenle’s face and no words were needed when Donghyuck looked into Chenle’s eyes, a soft smile ghosting his lips. Donghyuck knocked them out of their telepathic conversation slapping Chenle’s shoulder once again, bringing life back into the seemingly still room.

“So, did you bring it?” Chenle’s eyes lit up in recognition and he slipped his backpack off his shoulders reaching in to find a small object and handed it to Donghyuck.

“I still don’t get why you needed it so badly that I had to personally bring it all the way to Seoul”

Donghyuck became suddenly nostalgic looking at all the faces that covered the walls in front of him, all the people that walked out on him when he needed them the most, all those judgemental souls that told him he was never enough, including himself. But at the same time, he was thankful to them and paid homage to the fact they had made him the independent, happy, unapologetic, successful person he was today. He looked down at the striped disposable camera in his hands and sighed a sigh of acceptance and contentment.

“Boy, this holds the centrepiece of the whole exhibition” Donghyuck gave the object in his hands a knowing smile, like they were about to share secrets that had been left untold for millennia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that's your lot kids! 
> 
> I dunno if anyone has actually been reading some of the replies I left on some comments but this whole thing is actually based on and my life. I would say 80% of the major plot points actually happened, my sister did actually think that Lionel Ritchie was John Lennon, and some random guy did indeed tell me my arse was better than his mum's when I went to go find real life Mark. 
> 
> Btw we don't hate real life Mark, hating requires you to give a shit, and I give no shits about anything to do with that particular individual. I'll say hi to him in the street and everything.
> 
> I think the thing that I most wanted to express through this was that you don't have to force yourself to fit in with societal norms, if something doesn't feel right then it's valid, be it something concerning friendships, relationships of any kind or even situations you find yourself in. Don't be afraid to say no or call someone out for being a dick, we don't have the time and opportunities to waste. If you're privileged enough to have both of these then take advantage of them on behalf of yourself as well as those that don't. 
> 
> I'm might not be a photographer but I am doing what I love and training to work in mental health, and I definitely still go travelling alone, I love it. 
> 
> I'm also very happy and very single, I've been single for 4 years now, and I've literally never been happier. It took me a long time to realise that what's 'right' for the majority of people isn't right for me and I hope you can all find that notion useful at some point in your life. 
> 
> LET'S GET IT
> 
> Once again, don't be tight leave a kudos. 
> 
> P.s. I think you should all read [This](https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/life-style/palliative-nurse-shares-the-most-common-regrets-of-her-patients-a6821061.html%3famp)


	15. Authors Note.

So, that's your lot kids!

I dunno if anyone has actually been reading some of the replies I left on some comments but this whole thing is actually based on my life. I would say 80% of the major plot points actually happened, my sister did actually think that Lionel Ritchie was John Lennon, and some random guy did indeed tell me my arse was better than his mum's when I went to go find real life Mark.

Btw we don't hate real life Mark, hating requires you to give a shit, and I give no shits about anything to do with that particular individual. I'll say hi to him in the street and everything.

I think the thing that I most wanted to express through this was that you don't have to force yourself to fit in with societal norms, if something doesn't feel right then it's valid, be it something concerning friendships, relationships of any kind or even situations you find yourself in. Don't be afraid to say no or call someone out for being a dick, we don't have the time and opportunities to waste. If you're privileged enough to have both of these then take advantage of them on behalf of yourself as well as those that don't.

I'm might not be a photographer but I am doing what I love and training to work in mental health, and I definitely still go travelling alone, I love it.

I'm also very happy and very single, I've been single for 4 years now, and I've literally never been happier. It took me a long time to realise that what's 'right' for the majority of people isn't right for me and I hope you can all find that notion useful at some point in your life.

LET'S GET IT

Once again, don't be tight leave a kudos.


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